Red Liquid Flow

An invitation!

2010-11-22T11:33:00.000-08:00

Pepper & Mint cordially invite you to their new home at http://pepperedthoughts.wordpress.com/

Come, grace us with your presence.

PS 1* This place has been vacated. We no longer live here. To follow the drama, arrive at our new home.

PS2* Gifts for our new home are welcome!

It is a crib fest!

2010-11-18T14:24:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing that comes naturally to me, it is whining. When it comes to whining and cribbing, I am such a pro. One of the reasons I consider my blog to be a good friend is because it allows me the luxury to mop and wail to my heart's content, without saying a word in return.

- Let me start by talking about the chaos that is my house. The bedroom is in a perpetual state of mess. Both Mint and I have the tendency to fling our jeans on the floor. Both of us suffer from a rare condition that allows us to comfortably dwell in the mess. Lack of order doesn't bother us. In fact, my brain was programmed in a way to react only after it processed the sound of my momma screaming in the background asking me to clear the mess NOW! But now, mama isn't around here. So I tried to change the settings of my brain myself. Once in a while I do clear the room and put things in order. Only to notice that the room has returned to its original messy state within 24 freaking hours. And the heap of clothes lying around has reached unsurmountable heights. Soon we have to hop around to move across. Really, what do I do? Become responsible did you say? How do I do that?

- These days, it gets pitch dark by 5 pm! I absolutely hate it! Add to that, some days are pretty chilly. Yes, I can whine about the cold despite living in California. If I were to live in places like Boston, NY or Canada, I'd bury myself underground and resurface only after winter has officially ended.

- I've been discovering new blogs everyday. It has turned me into Alice exploring her wonderland. But reading blogs is so time consuming, and such a damn addiction. What is surprising is that every time I read a new blog, I see comments there from the people I read regularly. That makes me wonder how do people have the time to read and comment on so many blogs? How come I don't seem to have the time on a regular basis? Very unfair!

- I am thinking of moving to Wordpress. The features are so much better. But I'd only do it if I figure out a way of moving all my old posts from here. I don't break ties with my past easily you see. I still need some advice. And some help in setting up the new blog. I wish Mint wasn't so busy :( .

A peep into our home.

2010-11-17T18:49:00.000-08:00

I finally have the pictures of the house. I was going to upload them somewhere and then thought I should also put up a few on my blog. Here are some of my favourite spots in the house.

This is where I wish I could spend my entire life - the bed. This particular bed is huge and one of the most comfortable ones I've slept on. Stepping out of here is well, painful. Do not judge me for the two stuff toys you see there. I got them almost free at some garage sales. Or okay, go ahead and judge me. I think they are cute, okay? I know I still have some growing up to do.

This is another corner I love. This is actually a shoe rack which we decided to use as a DVD stand. I think it looks very neat and I love the dash of colour it adds to our living room.

The dining table. We chose a different set up for the chairs to save space. I love the candle in the centre.

The backyard. I know a picture taken during the day would have been clearer, but I like this one more. I am a sucker for candles. I love the way they've lit up the plants.

Timeless Joy!

2010-11-16T14:52:00.000-08:00

We all have some memories that we count on for a few smiles. This one is mine. It is one of the happiest moments of my life. I do realise the recent spate of posts dripped in saccharin can nauseate any reader. But this incident forms an integral part of my memory and I've been wanting to write about it forever. It *has* to be put on my blog.

People who know me in real life have heard about this story about 8,63,451 times. A handful of you who know me personally read my blog. You may skip this post with my best wishes.

For the rest of you, I take you back to my student days, when I was completing my Masters in UK. I've written about how Mint was an inseparable part of my life then. Without him, I wouldn't have had any shred of sanity left in me. Back then, I also missed my family a lot. I would keep yearning for home. When I finally had a chance to go to India for a few weeks, I jumped to it without further thought.

So it was during my Easter break that I went home. I was in Mumbai. It was around then that I told my parents the details about my relationship with Mint. Before that, they only had a vague idea and I always sounded non committal to them in my replies. They took in all the details, and were as usual, supportive. But they were also very apprehensive after hearing about Mint's rigid family and their non accepting nature towards people belonging to different castes and communities.

It was quite a short trip. And I had also carried with me a whole load of assignments. So between spending time at home, meeting friends and relatives, taking care of my assignments, I was quite busy.

One day, my friends called me and made plans for dinner. When I said I was a little busy with my assignments, they insisted I go for it. So I gave in. My sister and two of my best girl pals met for dinner. My friends were supposed to come back with me and stay back at my place. So the four of us got back home at around eleven pm. To my surprise, my parents weren't home! I wondered where they could go at this time. I didn't have the keys and so I called them. They said they didn't realise I didn't have the keys and asked me to take them from the neighbour after a quick apology. They told me they were out having dinner. Having dinner? They hadn't told me about any such plans.

Anyway, we finally entered the house and collapsed on the sofas in the living room. But something seemed strange. All these girls were a little giggly and restless. Finally, my best friend asked me to go get her a pillow from the bedroom so that she could sit back with some back support. Oh, get it yourself, I told her. But after being forced by all of them, I got up and walked into my room.

I entered and what greeted me shocked all my senses, rendering me speechless. The room was lit by numerous glowing candles. In the midst of the semi darkness, I saw a figure standing in the room. Whaa.. there ..is ..somebody.. in .. the .. room? I was almost going to scream and run back. And then I realised. It was Mint! He looked at me and said a cheerful 'Hi!'.

I was still frozen in shock to react. And very, very confused. I mean, Mint? The last I spoke to him a day ago he was in the US. Is it really him or am I hallucinating? How can it be him? He doesn't know the address to my house in Mumbai. How can he come here? And oh, the house was locked and there is nobody at home. How did he get in here and enter my bedroom? Okay, it has to be hallucination.

And then, all these girls ran into the room and started jumping on the bed and giggling away joyfully. Before I knew it, the camera was in my face, recording this moment. Mint seemed to be laughing along with them. I was still clueless and I stood there frozen.

Finally it hit me and I realised this was really happening. I continued standing there, trembling in shock. 'Why are you standing like that? Go hug him!', I was told. But I couldn't move. I seemed to suffer from momentary paralysis and my brain throbbed with a zillion questions pounding inside.

After I regained my senses, I managed to ask him, 'What the hell are you doing here?' and he smiled, pulled me close and said, 'I came here to be with you on your birthday'. Yes, it was my birthday the next day. I couldn't believe he had traveled all the way to be with me for a single day on my birthday. In the next few minutes, a lot of excitement followed. Soon my parents walked in beaming and asked me if I liked my surprise. They knew? I was even more baffled.

So here is what happened. Mint decided to surprise me by coming for my birthday. But he didn't have too much leave left at work. So he decided to come to India for a single day! It happened to be the weekend. He contacted my parents and told them his brilliant idea. My dad thought he was nuts to be coming from the other end of the world for a single day, just for my birthday. But he got them to agree to his plans. He then coordinated with my sister and with that, the planning began. They had to get me out of the house while he entered. My parents went to the airport to pick him up! They dropped him home and left because they thought it would be good to give us some privacy in the beginning.

Obviously, that has been the best birthday I've lived to see. When I think of the entire incident, I feel my heart burst with joy. How many people can I thank here? I still can't believe Mint did this. It requires a heart to spend something like $1500 for a single day. It isn't like he was rolling in money. He still choose to do it. Just to bring a smile to my face on my birthday? The amount of detail that went into this plan, that included the arrangement of candles was so incredible. Especially because Mint really isn't the kinds who would do things like this. But he did it for me cos he knew I love candles? And the amount of hours he traveled for? And went back to work straight from the airport after he got back despite the exhaustion? I repeat, he traveled from USA to India and spent all that money for a single day for my birthday? I think I will live in disbelief.

And how can I thank my sister enough for planning this with him for so long? And yet keeping the whole do a secret from me? And my parents? Really, I don't know where to begin. How many parents are liberal enough to go pick up a guy their daughter is dating and welcome him to their home? And even thoughtful enough to give us a few moments without their presence? How can I ever thank my parents enough for being what they are?

And how can I thank my friends for feeling my joy and jumping in excitement for me?

Sigh! If I've been the centre of such intense love, then I've lived a worthwhile life. Every time I think of this, I feel my heart leap out of my chest and flutter away to paradise.

The 'peppermint' story - part 2

2010-11-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

If you don't know what this is about, start from here. So yes. Let us continue.

Once Mint left for USA, we continued staying in touch sporadically. This was the time when my relationship with Monster Boyfriend started getting bumpy. It started with a few things - Him blaming me when I didn't deserve it, making me the target of his wild temper, forcing me to comply to his unreasonable demands, etc. I should have heard the warning bells right then when it began and noticed the storm heading towards me before I was engulfed by the waves of destruction. But I chose to remain deaf, dumb and blind. Something I haven't quite forgiven myself for.

Life went on. At times, MB would be so good to me, he'd allow me to experience euphoria, other times he'd toss me into hell. Burning hell. I foolishly clung on to the highs, hoping he'd transform one day. I gave the world a very hunky-dory picture of our relationship. In the process, I let him cause me all the damage that was humanly possible. I could feel my spirit break, gradually.

In the midst of this, Mint told me he was going to be in India for a vacation. His trip to the country included a brief stay in Bangalore. Coincidently, I happened to be in Bangalore around the same time. At that time, our common blogger friend had also moved to Bangalore for work. So the three of us met up, at The Forum. Mint continued flirting very openly, telling me he likes me. I continued laughing it off. The common friend soon left after lunch (or was rudely asked to leave by Mint) so we could spend some time alone. We did enjoy the evening, just chatting and catching up and were sorry when it was time for me to leave.

By now, my relationship with MB was in the pits. I was put through extreme trauma. It reached a point where he started slapping me in the middle of the street if I reached a few minutes late. The constant demeaning remarks, emotional and physical abuse, succeeded in crushing my spirit, shattering my confidence and destroying my faith. I finally had the courage to walk away.

After my break up with MB, I also broke contact with most people around me, including Mint. I was vulnerable and decided to fight the demons all alone. College kept me really busy. My family was very supportive. I was trudging along.

Suddenly after a year, I got a call from an unknown number. It turned out to be Mint. He told me he was in India for his annual holiday, and would be in Mumbai for a day. So we should meet. We planned to meet in the evening, but that day I ended up getting so caught up in my assignment that I almost didn't make it. Yes, the prof who taught us Market Research was eccentric and expected us to take the drafts for approval to her house, even if it meant being there till eleven pm! But a good friend came to the rescue and said she would carry my draft with her. I am so, so glad I met him that day. For that was the turning point in our relationship. We talked over drinks and pasta. And again, I lost track of time and before I knew it, it was almost mid night and I had to answer calls from my parents. So after a hurried bye, I practically ran out. Mint had his flight in a few hours.

I got a call from him the minute he reached USA. He was very concerned and wanted to know if I ran into trouble with my parents that day for getting home so late. I thought it was extremely sweet of him. After that, we started talking online, every day. For hours.

In a few months, I had grown very fond of him and began trusting him in a way I didn't trust other people. I slowly allowed him to peek into the dark corners of my world. I shared with him the details and the depth of the abuse I had undergone in my past relationship. It is something I haven't been able to discuss with a soul. Understandably, he sounded more angry with me than anything else. He couldn't figure out how I allowed MB to emotionally slaughter me so mercilessly. And slowly, he worked on rebuilding my confidence and my spirit. Whether he did it knowingly or unknowingly, I am not sure. All I know is that it worked. At that time, he was one of my biggest supports.

He kept telling me really likes me. And I continued to laugh at that. He'd tell me he liked me since the moment he first met me and that would make me laugh more. My disbelief and tendency to brush it off would continue to trouble him.

Secretly though, I was getting emotionally involved with him. But I denied it. To myself and to him. There was no way I wanted to be in a relationship again. Didn't I know where that would lead me? I had learnt my lessons. And so, I led him onto a chase. I know I sounded so pricey, but then, I don't blame myself. And well, knowing what I had gone through, he didn't blame me either. He waited, patiently, for me to turn around. Putting no pressure and assuring me it was okay if it never happened.

And turn around I did. There was no way I could resist something so strong anymore. Without me knowing it, he had turned into my go-to person for everything. And his caring nature won me over. He'd stay with me on phone all night long. Never mind the time difference between USA and India. Never mind the phone bills.

But I am not an easy person. I still refused to commit. Why? The distance. Physical presence was very important to me. I wanted to do what other couples did. Hold hands and enjoy moon light walks. He kept asking me to give us a chance. We'll have our time, he'd say. We could work around the geographical limitations. I wasn't so sure.

I moved to UK for my Masters. Mint and I would continue to live on the phone. I was, way too dependent on him. For everything. Which bank should I open an account in? Which service provider do I use for my phone and internet connections? He'd do the research from a different continent and guide me. If I'd be lost while walking back, he'd give me directions on phone (using google maps) and direct me to the right way. If I needed help in an assignment, he'd stay up all night and work on it with me. All I knew was that life was impossible without him.

I don't even really know at what point exactly I gave in. It was so subtle, but what evolved was something so powerful. I couldn't fight the forces anymore. And he knew. Without me having said it to him. It was obvious to both of us.

That December, he came to UK to spend a few weeks with me. And we had the time of our lives. We decided to work on the distance soon. Of course, between UK, USA and India, it was going to be a hard choice. But we decided to just go with the flow and see how things turned out.

The rest, as they say is History. And as we all know, History does involve a few chapters of war. The war was with the parents. His parents. And getting them to accept our relationship. But Mint offered them absolutely no choice and they caved in.

Clearly, Mint is the best thing that happened to me. I am glad I let go of my fears and did a free fall. It qualifies as the best decision of my life.

And if you managed to reach the end and actually read this, pat yourself on the back for me, will you? I will leave you with a ghostly image of ours.

The 'peppermint' story.

2010-11-12T12:09:00.000-08:00

So here is the story of how Pepper met Mint. At first I thought I'd just copy and paste the 'Jab We Met' section of our website. But then I thought I should put up a more detailed version. I know, I have a sadistic streak in me. Anyway, let us get started. Sit back, get some coffee, and enjoy! Your coffee I mean. (Old joke from old blog, never mind.)

The year was 2003. I had a friend who was very interested in writing and started his own blog. He passed on the link to me. That time, I was quite unfamiliar with the concept of blogs as such. While reading his post, I saw a comment there from Mint and that led me to his blog. I was intrigued. What was this? An online dairy of a stranger? The whole idea seemed fascinating and I spent a good amount of time reading his posts. So I gathered these bits of info:

- This guy was an engineering student.
- From IIT.
- He wrote mainly about his college life - The awful food in the mess, hostel life, college fests, how he hated acads and the whole load of expectations people had because of the brand value his college carried.
- He sounded very interesting.
- I hadn't ever come across any person as witty or funny as him. Everything he wrote about was frosted with layers of humour and sarcasm.

So I enjoyed reading him. Silently though. By nature, I am a lurker. I hide and watch from the sidelines. It is something I am trying to change now. Anyway, after months of being a silent reader, I added him on Yahoo Messenger after seeing his ID put up somewhere on his blog. Oh, remind me to ask him why he accepted requests from unknown girls online. Anyway, we started talking and I told him I'd been following his blog for a while. He was very responsive and we started chatting everyday. He was the one who convinced me to start a blog. He introduced me to another blogger in Mumbai, where I lived and soon we had a common group of blogger friends.

Mint and I would enjoy our late night chats and we ended up becoming thick pals. He would always tell me I was 'pretty' and 'smart'. Now if only more people thought like him. So yes, he would flirt. But in a harmless way. Because at that time, he knew I was dating somebody. Let me call him Monster Boyfriend (MB). That is what he was, but let us not get into that.

Mint had reached his final year and was almost through with his applications for his Masters in the US. He decided to make a trip to Bombay before he left the country. I was finally going to meet this guy!

The original plan was for the three of us to meet. Mint, our other blogger friend in Mumbai, and I. However, I got sick and ended up not going for that meet. But Mint is one persistent guy. He tried all possible ways to contact me and made sure we did meet before he left.

So we met. Coffee, ice creams, fun filled conversations, it was an evening well spent! Before I knew it, it was 11 pm! And a dark rainy night. I wasn't allowed to stay out that long and I remember panicking as I answered the frantic calls from home. So after a big, long hug in the middle of the platform at Dadar Railway station, we parted ways.

He left for the US. I was busy with my own life in Bombay. Juggling between college, Monster Boyfriend and other social commitments. Mint and I would talk online. I always counted him as one of my good friends. But that is all he was at that point. A friend. Had I known that he was the guy I'll end up falling in love with and getting married to 6 years down the line, I'd have passed out in shock and asked you to get a reality check. But life is full of surprises, isn't it?

The concluding episode of this saga shall follow shortly. For now, it is time for the commercials.

(To be continued..)

Give me soundless sleep!

2010-11-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

I was going through one of my old blogs and came across this apt post I had written that perfectly summarises my current grievance. I've turned into an extremely sensitive sleeper. Most of the times Mint stays up very late at night, browsing on his laptop and I lie next to him, tossing and turning every minute, unable to sleep because he isn't sleeping. As a result I either oversleep in the mornings, or wake up sleep deprived. It results into me turning into a monster who snarls and bites at the slightest hint of a provocation.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2007

There was a time when the loudest of alarms failed to make me blink an eyelid. There was a time when I could sleep through loud music, loud honking, loud television, loud screaming sister, other loud miscellaneous noises and any kind of commotion.
And now, I wake up with a jerk if someone sneezes in Alaska. Its simply unfair. And annoying.

Weekly forecast for Pepper.

2010-11-08T08:06:00.000-08:00

After the pleasurable weekend that included Diwali celebrations and a trip to Santa Cruz beach, you might find the coming week a tad dull and monotonous. Do not despair, keep moving and the next weekend shall be here before you know it. You will also consider getting over your reluctance to cook, because eating out so regularly is harsh on the stomach, and harsher on the bank accounts. Some people will annoy you, like never before. You will want to give in to your old desire of putting them all in the mixer. You are however, advised to stay calm. Practice yoga and meditation. Planning and organising yourself may prove fruitful. Good luck!

Mint speaks..

2010-11-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite parts of our wedding was our wedding website. One of my favourite sections there was 'Him on her', where in Mint writes about me. I honestly love the way Mint writes. He is extremely witty and intelligent. And I am not just saying this because he happens to be my husband. Try arguing with him and you'll know. In fact, I am not sure how many people know the fact that we met through our blogs. Very long ago. When he was still in IIT and I was a crazy 17 year old girl. Anyway, that is a story for another day. For now, I am putting up the very flattering piece Mint wrote about me on our website.

Him on her

"Oh yes, I think we'd prefer that, though we are always game for experimentation. I'm pretty sure that you are now either groaning, rolling your eyes, hitting your head or, most likely, attempting to simultaneously accomplish all of the above thanks to my blundering attempt at humor. Your reaction is rather typical and understandable and I extend to you my heartfelt sympathies.

But then this gal comes along, who not only tolerates my “jokes”, but in fact laughs and categorizes me as witty, funny and, hold your breath, intelligent. And no, she was not lying. She really felt that way. Only a fool would not have realized that Pepper was a keeper. Now, even I am not that foolish. Ofcourse, it didn’t hurt the least bit that she was very easy on the eyes. Did I really need any more reasons? Obviously not. But there were plenty more, as I would discover.

Clichéd as the statement may be, trust me when I say Pepper is every guy’s dream come true, unless the guy in question is Elton John. She is that ideal combination of have’s and have not’s. She is very smart, but seldom a smart ass (Me? I’m just an ass). She is mature in her head, and pure and innocent in her heart. She is sharp enough to weed out my sarcasm, but naïve as ever in falling for my pranks and surprises. Oh what joy is it to surprise her with the most trivial of things and watch her eyes light up like a little kid who was handed a piece of candy. Only in this case, candy is really all it takes to make her jump in excitement, while the blasted kids these days demand PS3s.

Pepper has this uncanny ability to engage even the mute (read me) in lively conversation. Early on, I felt utmost comfortable talking to her, and in no time at all, I found myself confiding in her my deepest darkest thoughts. And mine are deep and dark as they come. But I have no reservations because she is completely water-tight and a terrific sport. There was this one time, well into our relationship, when I told her that I found her French friend particularly hot, and she was ready to set me up on a date with her, candlelit dinner et al. If that doesn’t qualify my good fortune, I don't know what does. Actually I do. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the gal who finished shopping for her wedding sari in less than half an hour. The gentlemen will have plenty of time to ponder over that during their next “casual” trip to the mall.

There are some things I got to be wary of with Pepper though. She has the memory of two elephants, while all I have are their appetites. Needless to say, I don't get away with any bluffs I try to pull off in the hope of a sketchy recollection. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that she remembers conversations with her parents from when she was 2 years old. All I remember doing at that age was wondering what that warm moist feeling in my diaper was.

Jokes apart, Pepper is easily and justifiably the better half of this pair. She is the iPhone to my AT&T, the Hakkinen to my Coulthard, the Heidi Klum to my Seal. She is my bestest friend, soulmate, lifeline, confidante, pillow, shoulder, partner in crime, and soon to be partner for life. I simply can't wait to live with her and dazzle her with my Hindi in person on a daily basis. After all, I am my baap ka beta and was taught excellent Hindi in my childhood by my Raghu thatha, a renown Hindi vidwan in his times though he was just a farmer living in a village."

Language talk

2010-11-02T18:03:00.001-07:00

A lot of people seem quite astonished when they find out Mint and I belong to such different castes, communities, regions and perhaps even cultures. He is a Tam speaking South Indian. And me? I can't seem to classify myself. But I am put into that broad category of North Indians (According to this division, anybody who is not a South Indian happens to be a North Indian. Simple) Most of the concern people have seems to revolve around one common question - What language do you guys talk in?

I don't blame them for their candid curiosity. Typically, South Indians are not very fluent in Hindi (I do not wish to generalise, this is just based on my personal observations). And for a North Indian to learn any South Indian language is a nightmare. Will somebody please teach me Tamil before I give up completely? I understand little bits and pieces here and there. But being able to talk is a far way off.

So what language do Mint and I talk in? We speak in a mix of English and Hindi. Off late, it is more Hindi than English. Mint's ability to speak Hindi is surprisingly good. All you need to do is ignore his South Indian accent while he talks. I am so used to it, I don't think I even notice it anymore. In fact, he seems to have gotten quite used to the Bombay slang by now, and you can often hear him say stuff like ' Arrey yaar, nahi baba, abey, kya re, etc'

Now he does make some mistakes, quite hilarious if you ask me. And I am going to be mean enough to write about his usual errors here.

Mint: Woh toh andar chal gaya.

Me: Chal gaya? You mean chala gaya.

Mint: * Enquiring about some combo offer they had at a Pakistani restaurant * Toh yeh curry ke saath naan milegi kya?

Me: *giggling in the background and whispering* Its naan milega ka kya, not milegi.

Now this gender issue is quite troublesome. He insists on knowing why naan is male and not female. Uhh, I don't know. I don't have answers to most of his gender based questions.

Mint: * Looking for some restaurant while driving * Arey, usko toh idhar hi hona hai na?

Me: *Figuring out what he means - it should be here only* Idhar hi hona hai nahi. Idhar hi hona chahiye..

Sometimes its funny because he uses textbook Hindi. He'll look at something and say, 'Woh bohut sundar hai'. That makes me laugh endlessly. Sundar really? Whoever uses such words while talking? Other times, he shocks me by his knowledge of old Hindi songs. If I am listening to some stuff, he'll hum along, leaving me zapped.

And then at times, he insists on knowing more than me. Yes, in Hindi.

Mint: Do you know what 'warm' is in Hindi?

Me: *After some thought* .. I don't think there is a word for warm in Hindi. If there is, I don't know.

Mint: There is. I know it. It's 'garam'

Me: Hah! Garam is hot, not warm.

Mint: No, its warm

Me: Okay, so what do you think hot is?

Mint: Garam garam

Me: *Speechless*

Thoughts of a balding me.

2010-10-28T17:13:00.000-07:00

Our carpets are getting fuzzier. The culprit? My falling hair! I am shedding hair like a cat. Everywhere I sit, I leave behind visible traces of myself in the form of hair. I am positive I see more hair in the drain than I do on my head. Its depressing.

I always had to deal with hair fall, but while I lived in India, it was negligible. From the moment I stepped out of the country, there has been an alarming increase in the amount of hair I lose per day. At times like this I wish we didn't have carpeted floors. I'd be able to clean the place with one stroke of my jhaadu (broom). But with carpeted floors, I go about picking the remnants of my hair all day long and I have no option other than vacuuming the place.

'Do you fancy having a bald wife?', I ask Mint often, fearing the US will succeed in making me officially bald. He doesn't seem to care too much on most days and is more concerned about his own hair fall. Bah, who cares about his hair loss. He's a guy. He is scheduled to be bald some day. Who cares if it happens a few years ahead of time?

Me? when the misfortune does occur, I'll just try playing the trend setting role of 'that sexy bald woman'..

On another note, this blog is 2.5 yrs old and it doesn't even have 80 posts. What a shame! I can see my earlier blogs turning up their noses at this poor blog I have here. I've tried to be regular in the last two months, but it still doesn't make up for all those months of inactivity. I am so tempted to sign up for the NaBloPoMo for November. But I am too chicken and don't trust myself enough. So I shall let it pass and hope to blog with regularity.

When embarrassing memories return..

2010-10-25T01:02:00.000-07:00

I ache for my family, and that is no secret. But I do have phases, where in I miss one particular person the most. So at times, I long for my dad, more than the others, other times, I miss having my bratty sis by my side. Off late, I've been missing mama. And her goofy behaviour.

My mom, would be the perfect nominee for the 'Goofiest mortal on the planet' award. If only such a category existed. This post is a tribute to her looniness - something I've inherited from her, and something that has caused me a lot of embarrassment.

Flash back to my teenage years. I'd been bitten by the fitness bug and every evening I'd go running in the park close to home. On my second day there, I noticed a guy running alongside, and I thought he was bestowed with exceptional looks. He seemed totally drool worthy and I enjoyed my time gaping at him discreetly. That motivated me further to keep the evening runs going, and helped me ignore the muscle aches that followed. What helped was the fact that unlike other parks, this park wasn't very particular about which direction you chose to run in on the track. So I'd make sure the 'hot guy' and I ran in opposite directions. This way, I'd be rewarded with a glimpse of his face on completion of each round.

After a few days, I went home and excitedly told mom all about the hot guy at the park. She got equally excited and said she was very curious to see the guy I was raving about. So the next day, I took her to the park with me. This time, we were walking at a steady pace and waiting for the guy in question to appear. When I finally saw him approaching us, I gently nudged her and whispered, 'That's him!'. But I suppose our taste in men didn't match. When he was close enough and she had had a good look, she scrunched her face, pointed at him, and said in a tone loud enough for the entire park to hear, 'Chee, you find this guy hot??'.

Mother Earth, SWALLOW ME NOW, I prayed. I was too embarrassed to glance at who I thought was the hot guy and see how he reacted. Since I could think of no possible remedial action or explanation, I just held my mom's hand and started to walk away quickly with lowered eyes and burning ear lobes.

Needless to say, I stopped going to the park for my evening runs thereafter.

The two extremes

2010-10-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

I was at the bookstore today, and there were two other desis standing within earshot. Going by their accents, I assume they were ABCDs (American Born Confused Desis). I caught a few bits of their conversation.

ABCD 1: Yes, I don't know how Indians travel in those autos. Those auto rikshaws are nothing but metal boxes which are open on both ends. It is just so unsafe. And with their kinda erratic traffic... Gosh!

ABCD 2: And imagine, they don't even use any seat belts while travelling in those open metal boxes. I'd be so scared all the time.

I looked around to see if the books around me were in place, because I was sure my inward cries of horror were loud enough to rock the entire book store and knock the books off their oscillating shelves. Auto rikhaws are metal boxes? They are unsafe? Need seat belts? Should I laugh or cry? Hey Bhagwaan, what kinda place do I live in? Why are people in this country so paranoid? I still cringe when I think of it.

This brings me to the topic of safety regulations in both the countries. It is something Mint and I often argue about. One of the reasons he does not want to move back to India is cos of the lack of safety regulations. He says they do not value human life in India. Heck, they don't value any life, human or not. I do agree with him to an extent. Our country shows complete disregard to any kind of safety law, which is the cause of a lot of accidents. Bridges and buildings collapse because builders do not use adequate safety measures, citizens get run over, kids fall off faultily built ledges in restaurants, planes crash while landing on unsafe runways, the list can go on. To add to it, we also have to face the numerous terror attacks. But we've all learnt to live with the chaos and the insecurity. Mint does not think it is worth it. Anyway, I do wish India would implement some kind of safety laws, and most importantly, adhere to those laws and make the country a safer place to live in.

While I genuinely appreciate the safety measures taken in the US, I also think they go overboard and instill paranoia in you. For example, I appreciate the speed limits, the use of seat belts, etc. I am not too sure about the strict laws concerning the use of child booster seats that have separate parameters for height, weight and age of the child. I think that is going a little too far. Or perhaps I just grew up in a very different way. Or the fact that most houses do not have a gas stove and only use electric plates because they are so worried about fire hazards that come with the use of a flame. I think a lot of these ways take away the joy of living to an extent. How can I expect these ABCDs to be free spirited individuals who enjoy auto rides while feeling the rush of the wind when they are brought up in such an environment?

Do I have a point to make? Perhaps not. I just think both the countries are a little extreme and it would do them good to adopt a more balanced approach.

Weekend tales

2010-10-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling extremely lazy and disinclined to blog, but I keep pushing myself to do so. I do want to make a conscious effort and preserve these tiny bits of my life. So that when I am old, jaded and lack vigour, I have these pages to come back to and meet the youthful me, who was brimming with opinions and enthusiasm about life. And I also get to keep the memories alive by recording them here. I am not too sure about how long I'll be able to actively blog, but I do hope I don't run out of zest too soon.

***********************************************************************

Its Tuesday already and I am still reeling under the effects of the weekend. On Sunday, we decided to drive to Point Reyes. The three of us (Mint, his cousin and I) set off in the morning. As luck would have it, it turned out to be a very rainy and foggy day. Fog however, is not unusual for the city of San Francisco. We stopped by at the Golden Gate Bridge for a while, and boy, it was COLD.

We then proceeded to have brunch in this little town called Sausalito. After which we stopped by at the beach for sometime, and then started our drive up to the Light House at Point Reyes. We finally got there after driving through winding roads. Here are my two pennies :

The wind can really howl! I've lived in UK where the wind gets pretty nasty. But so far, I'd only read about the phrase 'Howling Wind' in books. That day was the first time I heard the loud, ongoing roar of the wind.
The wind is mighty powerful. I shivered, my nose leaked and my cheeks were flushed. One of the signs there said we were standing on what was the windiest point in America's Pacific Coast. No wonder I kept getting swayed and found it hard to balance myself.
To get to the light house, we had to first climb uphill, and later go down the steps. The climb back up was over 300 steps, and since this was on a steep cliff, it was supposed to be tough. The sign board there said it was equivalent to climbing more than 30 storeys of a building.
My calf muscles are still hurting.
Standing amidst the ocean, the peninsula, the wind, can make any human feeling totally insignificant.
Enjoying a basket of sizzling fries and some hot coffee after trembling in the cold is one of the most comforting things ever.
It was a fun day!

It is a conspiracy!

2010-10-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Dad,

You know how I have hero worshiped you all my life, how I always bragged about 'my father' to my friends right from the time I was in school, how I treasure the bond we share. But you also know there are a few things we love arguing about, some traits of yours that I always disapproved and was very vocal about it. I remember telling you a lot of times, 'I will make sure I do not let my husband be this way!' and I also remember the way you laughed at my face each of those times.

Which is why I think it is a conspiracy. I now see the very same annoying traits in Mint and I can hear you laugh in my mind.

You were always shirtless at home and it never stopped getting on my nerves. No amount of arguing could get you to be any other way. Not much has changed. I continue the same arguments with Mint now. The moment he steps home, the tee is taken off. Why? Pardon me for being so crude, but just because you do not have boobs does not mean you roam around bare chested. Isn't it more pleasant to wear clothes? I once asked Mint before going to bed, 'why do you have to sleep like that?' when he was wearing nothing but boxers. He gave me that 'are you stupid?' look and said, 'How else am I supposed to sleep? You wan't me to wear a suit to bed?'. Ah, whatever!

Yes dad, I can see you beaming. You have always been well known in the family for your high intake of spice. All the food you eat, has to be spicy, and yes, unhealthy too. I am sure Mint's level of spice makes you very proud of him. I should have known this was to come.

Both of you have the ability to crack jokes that can torment the listeners and make them go in search of pillars to bang their collective heads on. And just because I laugh, it doesn't mean the jokes aren't lame. It simply means I am lame as well.

You conspired with the universe and made sure you found a son-in-law who would carry forward your wonderful attributes, just so you can continue laughing, isn't it dad? No wonder, you only refer to him as 'superman'. He is your hero.

I love you guys to bits, but do try and be good, okay?

-- Pepper

A balanced diet..

2010-10-12T11:41:00.000-07:00

I was having ideas of eating a generous amount of chocolate for breakfast. But then tiny little thoughts wondering about, 'how healthy is it?' and 'hadn't I resolved 87834659 times to eat balanced meals?' started crawling in at the back of my mind. And then I got reminded of something that made me enthusiastically kick the thoughts out far enough for them to go flying into someone else's head.

This is of the signs put up at Hard Rock Cafe in New York.

At least there are a few things right with the world!

Puff Master

2010-10-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

I not too sure about the kind of queer images the title conjures up. But this is what Mint calls himself when the chapatis/rotis he is making puff up in all their glory. Me? I just watch in glee! We've come a long way. I should probably start from the beginning.

I first tried my hand at making chapatis during my UK days. And that is when I learnt the truth. I. CANNOT. MAKE. CHAPATIS. I thought I couldn't cook either, but well, I did manage. What I cook is mostly edible, and sometimes pretty good. But chapatis? I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong. As students with budget constraints, we experimented with unpopular brands of flour. The consistency of the dough I tried making would never be right. I just could not handle the rolling, or the flipping of the chapatis on the griddle. The chapatis would either turn out too thin and the dough would end up tearing, or the end product would be too thick, and as a result too hard, or uncooked, or crispy. I gave up.

When I was moving to the US, the nightmares returned. Mint, who had had his own adventures with chapati making suggested we buy a roti maker and carry it back with us. We left it for the last day of our stay in Mumbai, expecting it to be easily available everywhere. Imagine our horror when we moved from store to store, only to be told it wasn't in stock or wasn't sold by them. Just when we were about to give up, we found it at one of the sections in Inorbit. Phew.

I thought it was the end of our sorrows. But when we tried using the roti maker here, for some reason, it would not work. But this time, I tried kneading the dough again, and surprisingly it turned out to be very soft. However, I was unable to flatten it using the lid of the chapati maker. This required immense pressure. I happily let Mint take over. Fortunately, he was able to do it. But the chapatis cooked in the roti maker tasted like chewing gum. So we decided to use the normal tawa for cooking it. This was fine, since we were still getting perfectly round and even chapatis without the hassles of rolling. We finally started making decent rotis and all was good.

Until the chapati maker broke. I was horrified at first, and then depressed. Rolling chapatis seemed traumatic. Nor was I interested in surviving on store bought frozen chapatis. Around this time we moved to the Bay Area. And imagine my joy when one of the desis we visted asked us if we were interested in buying their unused chapati maker from them since they were moving out of the country?

Since then, life has been perfect. I knead the dough, roll it into balls and hand it to Mint. He flattens it with the chapati maker and tosses it onto the tawa for flipping. By now, he has a knack of making it puff up and often mutters to himself as he watches the rotis rise and turn into perfect spheres. 'Look at the magnificence', he'll blabber. Or sometimes, 'Am I not awesome?'.

Sometimes I fight for credit and tell him the secret lies in the way you knead the dough. Other times, I don't care for the credit, I am just happy biting into the exceedingly soft, round chapatis.

What the....?

2010-10-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, Mint come home and told me he had lost his cell phone. I asked him where he thought he left it, and he said he may have forgotten it in one of his office restrooms. He did go and search the place later on, but he wasn't able to spot it anywhere. We tried calling the number a couple of times, but the phone seemed to be switched off and our calls were going to voice mail. We left it at that for the time being. The next day when he was at work, he asked me to send a text to his number from my phone saying - 'This phone has been lost by its owner. Please contact this number if found'.

He asked me the next day if there had been any response. I told him there hadn't been any. The day after that, when he was at work, I got a text from his number. 'R u da owner of dis phone?' is what it said. Now this kinda language and way of spelling annoys the hell out of me, but of course I let it pass. Instead I sent a quick reply, saying, 'Yes, this phone belongs to my husband and we've been looking for it since the time it was lost'.

I then went on to message Mint on gmail. I typed out everything that had happened and asked him what I should do now. But there was no response from him. I kept pinging him only to be met with complete silence from his end. I figured he must be either busy, or in a meeting, or not at his desk. Meanwhile, the guy sent me another message saying, 'So wat do i get 4 returning it?'.

Oops. What was I supposed to say now? I messaged back asking him to wait for a while, and that I will ask my husband to contact him soon. But the guy turned out to be a creep. Here is the frenzied text exchange between us.

Me: I will ask my husband to call you on this phone in sometime and you guys can work out a way.

The Creep: U n I ain't playing no games..thr is very lil charge on da phone. Tell me fast or ditch it.

Now I didn't know what reward I was supposed to offer. What If I said too much and ended up being stupid? Or what if I said too little and lost all chances of getting it back? Heck, I didn't know what direction to think in since I didn't even know the value of his phone. I was constantly buzzing Mint on gmail, but he wasn't responding. So I did another stupid thing. I just asked the guy what he wanted.

Me: Ok, what do you want?

The Creep: Wat will u give honey?

Honey? This seemed to be getting creepier by the second. I pictured talking to some psycho American who seemed to be enjoying this game. I continued to message Mint on gmail. Cursing him for not replying, cursing myself for not having his office number, begging him to reply and getting hysterical. The texts continued.

Me: I can't get in touch with my husband. Tell me what you want. And please save my number and get back in case the charge runs out.

The Creep: Tell me wat u will give.

By now, I was highly stressed out. I messaged other people who were online and asked for some guidance. The text exchange continued. The Creep kept reminding me of the low charge, making me panic all the more. He refused to give me any number I could contact him on, in case the charge ran out, saying he wasn't stupid. I even gave him my email address and told him we could take this over email, if he preferred. But nothing seemed to work. I couldn't think of anything to offer him. He wouldn't decide for himself. And Mint wouldn't reply online. I was very, very stressed out.

After a few minutes, I got a call from Mint's number. I thought I would finally be talking to The Creep. I answer the phone with a shaky 'Hello', and what do I hear on the other end? Mint laughing, and then a 'Hi baby'. I was confused. 'How did you manage to get it back from that guy?'. And then it hit me. Hard. So I asked, 'Oh, you were playing around all this while????' And I hear him laughing again, confirming all that I needed to know.

I was too pissed off at that time to talk, so I just hung up on him. What did he think he was doing? Stressing me out so much and then calling it a game? a joke? a prank?

But despite my initial anger, I ended up laughing soon. When I did back track everything with a cool mind, it all made sense. His refusal to ask for something on his own, his stupid way of spelling to throw me off gear. He was now buzzing me constantly on gmail, asking me to let it go and to talk to him. I let him sweat it out a bit before I finally replied.

And then made up my mind to write about this here. Just for the records..

Sweet love

2010-10-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

I often get into my grumpy 'I miss India' moods. But sometimes, happiness visits me in unexpected ways. Today, it came to me in the form of chips. Spicy banana chips. The long, crunchy ones. Coated with spice. Bliss!

They arrived from the homeland in a big brown box which was full of other goodies. And along with the flavours in the chips and the barfi, I could also taste the love. My dad, despite being busy, made sure he got me the stuff from my favourite sweet shop, which is well out of his way. My mom ran around to get me some other knick knacks, which are either unavailable in this country, or way too overpriced. And when it arrived, I saw the multiple layers of packing it had, and that made me smile. I pictured my dad at it, packing and frowning in concentration the way he usually does.

As is typical of me, I preserved the plastic bags which had familiar names printed on them. They take me on memory trips every now and then and give me reasons to smile.

6 months?!?!

2010-09-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

It has been six months since we got married. I thought I shouldn't let go of this chance to write a note of appreciation. People gave me different bits of advice and inputs when I was getting married. An aunt told me to watch out, the first few months are the hardest, since that is when you are making the transition - from talking on phone multiple times a day and chatting to living under the same roof. What if you are unable to accommodate each other? Another friend told me to beware, guys change the moment they become husbands. I quote her - 'Don't expect him to do the same goody goody stuff once he is married to you, he wont'.

What can I say? Apart from how wrong they've been. I don't know what I did to deserve him and all the happiness he has brought into my life. Here is a guy who provides me with a lot of financial comfort, gives me all the emotional security in the world, tolerates all my naatak and gives me all the love possible. When I see the amount of grief in this world, when I see my friends yearning and pining for 'the right one' to come along, I realise how blessed I am.

So thank you Mint. I love everything about you. But there are certain things I love more than the others. Like

- you carrying me on your back and giving me fast paced and fun filled piggy back rides.

- your ability and willingness to put your hands in the clogged drain and pull out all my fallen hair. (Something I feel too repulsed by! And oh, the hair fall, that should be another post)

- the fact that you never ever leave the house without giving me a quick kiss. Even if you are late, or even if I am sleeping.

- the way you start dancing when you hear some good music

- the way your hand *always* reaches out for mine when we are walking together.

- the way you torture me when you come home, by touching my bare back with your cold, cold hands.

- the way we randomly pull in for a good hug. Anywhere, be it the supermarket or the road.

I can write endless, but I do realise this medley of mush, cheese and sweetness is enough to make you gag. I will end this with a few pics.

Lurkers Anonymous

2010-09-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

So you know those bloggers, who silently float around the blogosphere after ensuring they are securely zipped up in their invisible cloaks? One's that make you wonder about the unknown visitor you have from some place you never thought you had any connection with? One's that add to your traffic and make your stat counters look estimable? But the one's that continue to be unidentified strangers for you? The one's that help you take pride in presenting to the world, the 'number of hits' you've had? That's me. I am that nameless someone who has been reading you for eons. The one who knows a lot about you. The one you know nothing about.

Why do I hide? I'm not too sure. Probably because I think people who comment are the one's who want to gain some readership themselves, or they have something significant or intelligent to say. I did care about readership in my earlier blogs. Now I don't. The 'zero comments' on all the posts I write are proof. And as much as I enjoy it, I have nothing worthwhile to say after I read a post. So I just don't bother.

But then I realise, it isn't just about me. It is also about the million bloggers I adore. If they have been writing regularly and entertaining me all this while, perhaps I should let them know how much I enjoy their blogs. They deserve to hear it. It is only fair. And oh, the other thing I realise - people still count their comments and enjoy all the fame. They still wan't to know who it is that invisibly lurks in their worlds.

So, here I come. If I read you, I am going to acknowledge your awesomeness. If I totally love reading you, I might even mail you and let you know. It is time I drop my cloak and step out. I only hope the sunshine doesn't blind me.

I'm an adult. Yeah right!

2010-09-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

I have to keep reminding myself, time and again, that I am actually a 'grown up' person. An adult. But I think, I live with a teenage soul in my body. My mind refuses to grow up and accept what is reality. I seem to be stuck in a period that has gone by. So where do I belong? I belong to that world where I am stressing over college submissions, staying up all night and meeting a deadline by the skin of my teeth, cursing profs, waiting for vacations, reading novels and love stories with stars in my eyes, binging over chocolate and having coffee running in my veins . Yes, that is my world.

I also have a lot of child like traits. I am delighted when I see 'aeroplanes' fly past the skies. My pleasure lies in things like 'pressing the button' and watching the garage gate open. (What? It's fascinating!) I'm playful and jump around when I am excited. I also sulk and throw tantrums when I am mad. I talk a lot of nonsense. I want to be fussed around when I hurt myself even a little. When I am upset, I expect to be held and comforted. Because you see, I am too little and this world is cruel. I expect someone else to set things right for me. Either my parents, or Mint.

So that is where it begins and ends for me. Other things are for the 'grown ups'. I am not one. I thought being married was a very grown up thing too. I still have an immature, teenage soul right? I thought I would grow up one day, and then get married. But what do I know? I fell in love and decided to live with him. And for that, I needed to get married. And so I did. And its still a blur. A happy blur.

Now I do things that are a part of the 'grown up' life too. Like cook dinner or clean the house. But I consider that to be such an accomplishment and actually expect to see an audience applauding me for my feat. The fact that my parents and Mint continue to 'baby' me doesn't help. Oh, I now know who to blame for my absolute refusal to grow up.

I usually 'act' all grown up when I have other people around me. I don't fool around and I am not my lame, giggly self. I might even come across as a smart, poised young girl (Yeah right, again :P) and hold an intellectual conversation with you. But put me in a real adult world where I am surrounded by the typical corporate jargon, forced to become just another power point and excel slave, where discussions revolve around market shares, stock prices and EMIs, I will be all lost.

I do realise I can't live in my glorious teenaged world forever. Unless I want to be a misfit all my life. So yes, I better grow up. *Repeats to self* - I'm an adult!

Hello from California!

2010-09-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has already been a month since we got here! I seem to love the Bay Area. And our home! Its a lovely, comfortable house with a backyard of its own. A backyard! I have grown up in Bombay, where having even a balcony is considered a luxury. So when I find some open space where I can put up outdoor furniture and grow my own plants, I am more than elated!

Moreover, its a wonderful location. I can just walk to book stores, coffee shops, hair cutting salons and some very awesome desi restaurants. Now that completes my world.

Oh yes, we did buy some pretty furniture and are almost done setting up the house. Maybe it is too soon to speak, but for now, I love my life!

We are moving!

2010-08-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a chance to post this big news on the blog - we're moving from Ohio to California. Moving to another state so far away from where you live, is well, very tedious to say the least. So things in the Peppermint house have been awfully busy. We have been running around to get things done, quite literally.

It has been tiring. But all the confusion and chaos in our life has ended. Decisions have been taken. I am now looking forward to the new place, the new house and the new life. And that, calls for a toast!

What do you do when..

2010-08-16T05:48:00.000-07:00

the guy looks at you and smilingly hands you a piece of wrapped candy saying, 'I got this for you.' ?

Answer: You think he is such a sweetheart and picture him thinking of you fondly as he gets the candy. You accept it with a sweet 'Thank you', tear open the wrapper and promptly put it in your mouth.

Only to realise this is not your average candy. This is making your mouth burn! You turn around and say, 'God, this is so spicy!', only to hear him laugh and say, 'Why do you think I gave it to you?'. Oh. You now realise what this is all about. You then start proceeding to the bin so you can spit it out.

But, what do you do when?..

... he jumps up and physically holds you back, not letting you move, making sure you retain the damn fiery candy in your mouth. You start feeling the sting of the burning fire building up inside. You wriggle and you struggle to free yourself from his grip. But he is stronger and is having a good time laughing.

Answer: You tell yourself you have a valuable lesson to learn:- No matter how much you trust the person who presents it to you, ALWAYS read the label or the wrapper before plopping any kind of substance into your mouth.

When I don't want to move!

2010-08-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

I have a big to do list circling in my brain, but I am unable to overcome the inertia and just get to it. Nothing new there! Usually I am quite an expert at finding ways to procrastinate. So much so that I even excel at erasing the guilt by convincing myself that the useless thing I am doing now is actually important and should not be put on hold.

And I need my daily dose of wasting time online. Today however, I seem to have run out of ways in which it can be done. Everyone on my gmail list is busy. Sob! I can't find anything interesting on youtube to watch. And, nobody seems to be updating their blogs. How unfair! I lurk at a million blogs and none of them have any new post put up today.

So I decided to stop by my own blog and type out a meaningless post - even though I have nothing significant to say. Umm, except that, we're leaving for Canada in a few hours! Ok, I think the reminder is enough to get me all excited and charged up. Yay! I am now willing to move my butt. Double Yayy!

Hope to be back with some stories, and maybe even a few pictures. Ta!

The burden of choice

2010-07-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

By nature, I am a very confused person. I don't like being responsible for a choice. I have worried about this in the past and wondered if I suffer from some kind of a disorder. My mind jumps from one possibility to another, and I end up exhausted and yet, clueless. The choices range from vain issues like 'what should we eat for dinner today' to 'which shampoo should I buy' to more grave issues that best remain unspoken. I thought nobody could be worse than me, till I met Mint. I suppose it is his over analytical nature that is responsible for this trait. Put the two of us together, and we are lost. The dilemmas in our life never end, the decisions are never taken.

Picture this scenario - We were back home on Saturday night after a sumptuous dinner at an Indian restaurant. Mint's friends were calling us to a pub for a few drinks. I didn't really feel up to it.

Me: I think I'll skip it. Why don't you go ahead? I'll stay back home.

Mint: No! I wont leave you alone at home and go. We either go together, or we don't.

Me: Ok then, we dont.

Mint: But they are calling us so much. They'll feel bad if we don't go na?

Me: Ok then, let's go.

Mint: No! I don't want you to do it out of force! You shouldn't go if you really don't want to!

Me: Ok, so then WHAT do you want to do?

Mint: I dont knoww!!

He spent the next twenty minutes getting mad because he couldn't make up his mind. In the end we did end go, an hour late.

The next day we had to choose between going for an air show and watching a movie. And of course, I was the one responsible for the choice. Inception was supposed to be a great movies and had great reviews too. Would that be a good choice? Or should we just go for the air show? Maybe I wont get a chance to witness something grand like that again. And we can watch the movie anytime. But the air show seems too expensive. Is it worth it? Maybe we should just go for the movie. But what if for some reason I don't like the movie and we waste our Sunday?

It was soon time to leave and I still hadn't made up my mind. Mint told me the theatre was on the way to the place where the air show would be held. So I had time to think while we drove, till we reached the theatre. If we got to the theatre and I had still not decided, then we would just watch the movie. I was still mentally swinging between air show and movie when I realised we had reached the theatre and he had already parked!

That made me throw a fit. I fumed, yelled at him and threw a tantrum. How could he just park like that when I had still not decided? So what if I overshot my time limit?

Later on I did calm down. I did see his point. And yes, we did see the movie. But I get back to where I started. Why are choices so difficult to make? Why are we so abnormal? I so hope we change soon, or else, God save us!

The crazy, crazy life..

2010-07-07T08:19:00.000-07:00

Every time someone messages me on Gtalk, they have one and only one question to ask me - 'How is married life?'. I am not sure about the kind of answers people expect to hear. I usually reply with a 'good' or a 'great', whatever I fancy at that point of time.

I've been trying to understand why people believe being married changes your entire life. Well maybe at times it does, when you have an arranged marriage, when you are still trying to find a rhythm with your partner, when you are living in a joint family set up with in laws monitoring you. With me, none of those conditions exist.

I'd be exaggerating if I say marriage has changed nothing for me. It has. I now live in a different place. I live away from my parents. But beyond that, there is nothing much that I can call 'new' or 'different' in my life. I am still the same person. The house we live in is messy. Our ways are still erratic. We still live the irresponsible grad student life. We are still lazy. If people have sudden expectations from me, if they expect me to change my life style and my ways, acquire efficient house keeping abilities, turn into a fabulous cook and maintain a dazzling kitchen just because I am married, they can take a hike. Yes, I'd like to reach that level some day, but that has nothing to do with me being married.

Perhaps it is because of these prevailing expectations that so many youngsters dread marriage and view it as a life changing event. In my opinion, marriage is a hell lot of fun. I love living with Mint. In fact, a friend of mine once defined marriage as a 'life long slumber party with your best friend'. I'd say that's how it is. Of course the party also involves discussions that revolve around planning finances, repairing choking drains and choosing what type of cereal and bread you buy. But for me, these things only add to the excitement. Beside that, I think these aspects are associated more with living an independent life away from home and less with being married.

So what has married life been like for us? Fun, chaotic and crazy. We live in a tiny studio apartment. Which means the two of us are always in the same room at any given time. Which means we end up hugging and kissing each other a lot. Which also means we end up arguing and fighting for no apparent reason. Which means I have to forgo my birthright of banging doors and storming out to the other room in a huff, because well, there are no doors to bang and no rooms to walk into. Which means we end up making up faster than we would. On the whole, its been good and crazy, but I am desperate to move to a bigger place now. At least so that we can walk on the ground without stepping onto our stuff.

The chaotic part involves all the decisions that need to be taken regarding Mint's MBA. Whether he should pursue it now or not. There are so many factors and variables that need to be considered that its been very rough and completely CHAOTIC. I so hope the chaos dies down soon.

The fun? That involves all the travel we've done. I've only been in the US for a few months and so far I have had a chance to visit Virginia (Charlottesville), DC, The Great Smoky Mountains, New York, Chicago and Atlanta. We surely had fun and lived it up!

Like I said, life on the whole has been chaotic and crazy, but a lot of fun :)

The tale of the undone eyebrows

2010-05-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

Each time I peep into the mirror, I end up feeling sorry for the kids around me. I know I make a scary picture. I haven't had a chance to thread my eye brows for a very long time now. Probably I should just put myself in a cage in the zoo. Even if a few people are intrigued by the queer creature they see, I'd make some money. Perhaps. Mint of course, fails to understand what the uproar is all about. He doesn't think the few stray hair above my eyes make a big difference to the way I look. But what does he, a mere man know or understand?

So I have always been complaining about the thickness of my eyebrows, how quickly they grow and how often I need to fix them. Looks like this has been the story of my life. I am copying a post from my old blog.

[Post Clipped]

2010-05-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

Its one of those posts where I just can't think of a fitting title. So I shall let myself mumble, however disconnected and unclear it is.

I miss home. By home, I mean India. The food, the heat, the chaos, the pampering, the madness, everything. Every time I realise that my parents and my family are so far away, I get trapped in a whirlwind of confounding thoughts. Will we ever move back? If we will, when will we? Am I sure that is a good idea indeed? Are my parents and close family members alright? Every time my parents tell me my grand mom is not doing too well, I am filled with despair. What if I don't see her again? At the back of my mind I know, we're not leaving this country for the next 5 years at least. Is that too long? What if I change my mind later and don't wanna move back myself? Will I regret my choices later?

We've to make some tough decisions soon. Right now, we're caught in way too many tangles. Visa issues, careers, long term plans, other goals and preferences, etc. Its exhausting.

But then, life is good too. We had a fun weekend. The weather was perfect and we went boating. Did grocery and then packed some Vietnamese dinner. We also bought this bottle of bourbon whiskey infused with real honey. Both of us thought the sweet, smooth taste was mind blowingly good. So the plan next weekend is to sit back and, um, get drunk. My favourite part of the weekend was the ride I got in the shopping cart while doing the grocery. I just stood behind, at the edge of the cart and enjoyed the ride Mint gave me. What fun! He was even nice enough to say he wasn't tired after all the pushing. Or maybe its one of the few advantages of being the skinny mini person I am and have always been. And he told me people were smiling at us only cos they thought it was cute. Not for any other reason. He surely knows how to please me and keep the insane brat in me alive.

I am married!

2010-05-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am married! I've been married for a month and a half now. And it still hasn't hit me yet. Or him. The ceremony and the festivities were just some events thrown in the midst of our lives and after that - we were declared married! The hard hitting realisation hasn't occurred yet. We both don't feel 'married'. We don't feel any different at all. I take that as a good sign.

So we got married on the 25th of March. I spent 2 weeks with the in laws in Chennai and now its been almost a month since I came to my new home in the US. There are a lot of things I like about my new life and the new place I live in:

- The house has a bathtub. No big deal for most people. But for a person who grew up in tiny apartments in Bombay, where bathrooms were nothing more than a hole in the wall, a bathtub is definitely a luxury. Of course, the range of luxurious bath and body products (my welcome gift!) just add to the whole bathing experience.

- The hot car that I get to ride in. It is a racy red. I love the car and now that we're married, I can peacefully lay claim on it.

- I love the fact that you can just step out to do grocery at 2 am or 3 am or at whatever time you please. Be it night or day. For erratic people like us, its the perfect place.

- Living with Mint. There is nothing better than that. Period.

And then of course, there are things I don't like, but that's another post :)

12 days to go!!

2010-03-12T09:41:00.000-08:00

I was browsing through my pics and came across this one. It is one of my favourite pictures taken at Juhu Beach and perfectly describes how I feel right now - elated! Just another day and I am going to be with Mint! Just another week for our big pre-wedding party! Just 12 more days and I will be married! It seems a little too surreal and unbelievable right now.

In the past few days I've experienced the entire gamut of emotions, but right now all I feel is pure unadulterated excitement and joy! I wan't to take that exhilarating leap in the air and fearlessly rise above the ground. Yayyyy!!!!

Wedding updates

2010-03-08T02:41:00.000-08:00

I have been pressuring myself to write for sometime now. As usual, I end up doing nothing about it. I can see my ability to write disappearing slowly and I want to do something about it before its too late. We created a wedding website in which we had to fill in sections about each other and our story. To write a single line I had to puff, pant and heave. I accept, writing about Mint has always been difficult and overwhelming. I never seem to find the right words to describe my emotions and feelings. I even scoured through my blog to see if there was anything appropriate I had written about him which I could use. I finally picked just a line or two from some old posts. But the struggle made me dream of the days when I had the ability casually churn out a post as long as my thesis.

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Talking about the wedding website, it is one thing I have been most excited about. I totally love checking the guestbook and seeing an added entry. I love reading what people have to say about us. I love rereading all the pages we have written. I love solving the puzzle (a distorted picture of us where the pieces have to be fit in place), although I suck at it. And what fun it is to give ourselves so much of importance and actually believe the world is jobless enough to stare at our picture and fix it in place.

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The wedding expenses have gone so out of control that they make my gut twist, turn and reel inside me. I don't want to mention the obscene amount that has gone into my wedding. But it saddens me no end. I feel I am robbing my parents of all the savings they could have had. Moreover, there seems to be no end to the upcoming expenditure and nobody knows at what point to stop. If it were in my hands, I would never allow it to be this grand and this rich. I'd settle for something low key and inexpensive. Alas, nothing really is in my hands.

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Despite all the efforts we are taking and money we are spending to organise the whole marriage, I have some nagging fears of falling short in some aspect or the other. I know people will never be pleased and there will always be some amount of bitching and back biting. I have told my parents to be prepared and learn to ignore it. Being the wonderful person that I am, I have always been a snooty bitch myself when it comes to weddings. I've been judgemental (and only let my family know my true opinions and judgments) about everything, including the variety and quality of food offered, the arrangements, the clothes on display, the bridal outfits, the decor, the warmth and attitude of the hosts, etc. Now that we are at the forefront, I understand how difficult it is manage the whole event and how easy it is to slip somewhere. Like Mint said to me, my past behavior is going to come and bite me in my ass, big time.

The wedding preparations

2010-01-12T09:53:00.000-08:00

They're exhausting. Organising an Indian marriage is a lot of work. I walked out to the living room to see my frazzled parents pouring over sheets of paper on which they had scribbled the names of the guests. They seemed to be having an argument over the number of people they were yet to include. I tched tched and decided to take the matter in my own hands. So I made an organised guest list on excel which had columns like Family, number of people expected from that family, number of cards to be distributed, etc. It was all easier to total and view and made life simpler. There are a million things to do and we have to work out ways that are quick, efficient and organised. In my opinion, an Indian wedding is the ideal test for your management skills.

I want to look into all the small details and its taking up all my time. So in the last few days, I've been all over the place, shopping, booking hotels, selecting cards, choosing the items on the menu, finalising the venue, looking for a good photographer who doesn't insist on tacky bride and groom poses, looking for a good DJ, etc.

I started this post on the 12th and I am finishing it on the 24th. The days in between have been such a blur. It involved a trip to Chennai where I chose my wedding sari (given by the in laws), my wedding ring, the works. I had made a resolve to post every month and write about every small detail. Clearly, its been a dismal failure.

I am not giving up though. I hope to be back soon, with lots more to say.

Just because I decided to post everyday for this month

2010-01-07T03:23:00.000-08:00

..I am here again. It feels weird to be back so soon. But I'm glad I am doing it. The list of things I want to accomplish in the next 2 years is still under construction. I should put it up soon.

I realised I have not mentioned the big news on the blog even once. I am getting married! In less than 3 months now. As usual, I see a lot of mixed reactions. From aunts and relatives who seem to think it is the 'ideal' age, to my friends who think I am crazy to even think of marriage at 23.

Most people have asked me the question; 'Why get married now?'. Ofcourse, I've bugged Mint enough with the same question, and annoyed him till he answers me. He gave me an interesting set of reasons (which he may not even remember now). But anyway, here are some of my reasons of why I should marry him, and why I should marry him now:

1. We finally get to live together.

And not really bother about the different time zones, my sucky net connection, my good for nothing cell phone (which demands another post). The idea of coming home to to each other everyday seems wonderful. And its good to have someone to cuddle with on cold wintery nights.

2. We save money.

We move into the same apartment. (No really, one person house holds are the biggest consumers of energy cos of things like TV, washing machine, etc). We also drastically cut down the phone bills.

3. We have some budding talents, including the ability to bicker and argue with each other endlessly; a healthy indication of a 'normal marriage'.

4. Changing my 'status' on facebook, seems like a fun thing to do.

5. He agrees to take me shoe shopping. And he knows how to cook. Two awesome reasons.

6. Like he said, having a joint bank account is a good idea. Yes, he is brave. Good reason to get married? :P

7. He is extremely tolerant of me.

8. I love talking to him. Not only cos we can engage in deep romantic conversation but also because his sarcasm and wit makes me chuckle and laugh all the time.

9. I can now dream of him indulging my unquenched travel obsessions and cooking me exotic meals.

10. I love him. That should say it all.

Its a new year..

2010-01-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

I've been away for a while, again! The words just don't flow effortlessly anymore. Constructing even a single sentence is cumbursome. As a result, I've been put off by the idea of typing out an entire post. At the same time I knew I had to get back and kept urging myself to write. But I only ended up doing what I do best; procrastinate.

However, I figured I had to overcome the lethargy at some point. Its the beginning of the year and a good time for a new start. Today, I shall take stock and evaluate my success based on the criteria I had set for myself two years ago. The next part of this post is copy pasted from my previous blog. I've added my comments below each point.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I am in my final year and will (hopefully :D) be a graduate soon. This is an important mile stone in my life. Time seems to be speeding by and I need to pause and think for a moment to know where I am heading. So here I make a list of the things I want to accomplish in the next 2 years. Sure I want to bungee jump and experience other such exhilarating stuff, but this one is going to be a more solemn and a more rational list. Here goes:

* Emerge into a decent cook.
This is surprising, considering the fact that I was never the one for cooking. But over time I have matured and understood that knowing how to cook is an integral part of being independent. Now I do take the initiative and enter the kitchen, and hey, its not that bad! Actually, I quite like it..
OK. I am not sure I can call myself a 'decent' cook, but there have been tremendous improvements in my cooking abilities. I am now capable of cooking an edible meal all by myself. Its not great stuff but you can certainly digest it without the aid provided by pills.

* Gain some kilos.
And start believing in miracles. My weight has been static since years and shows no sign of improvement. I hope in another 2 years, I do manage to gain some weight, enjoy good health and manage to put an end to the "you're so thin" comments that continue to haunt me.
Sigh! This one has been a dismal failure. I know my erratic eating habits, my diet (or the lack of it) has been responsible for the failure. All the same, I've been more responsible and sane since the last few months and hope to continue working on this sincerely.

* Do my Masters.
Ideally, my aim is to complete my masters in the next 2-3 years. But if that does not work out, I should at least start my Post Graduate course in the next 2 years.
Doneeeee!! :) :)

* Still be blogging.
Maybe elsewhere, if not on the same blog. Blogging has indeed helped me keep track of a lot of things I would have lost track of otherwise. It has given me so many wonderful friends. It has given me a reason to introspect. One habit, I don't want to let go of.
Yes, I am still blogging. But the frequency of my posts has drastically dropped. I still enjoy reading about the moments that I recorded on my old blog during my BMM days. That has motivated me enough to be regular on this blog and make sure I document my life on a daily basis. I aim to write a post a day, atleast for the month of Jan.

*Have run a marathon. Why don't I ever get around to doing it?
Why don't I? Maybe cos I don't train myself for it. I did start going for morning runs for a few weeks, but as usual, gave up mid way. Its too late to register for the upcoming Marathon now. Next time I hope?

* Leave Mumbai.
And live elsewhere for a while. Somewhere. Anywhere. I don't know how I plan to go about this, but I need a new beginning in my life. I hope something works out. Fingers crossed!
Done! Living alone, especially in another country made me realise a lot of things. The most important thing I learnt is that I hate being away from my family. I yearn for mom's lap, dad's coffee, sister's reactions to my doings, care-free and fun filled conversations with all of them, the comfort of home cooked food, and everything else. Depriving myself and them of all this just does not seem worth it.

* Own a huge collection of books.
I already do own one. But when it comes to reading, I want so much more..
Unfortunately I didn't do too much of reading in the past year. 2008 however was a year in which a lot of books were added to my collection.

* Travel.
I want to see more places. More of India. And a lot more. Is it possible?
Yes, from Jan 2008, I definitely did travel more and see different places. Both in India and in firang land.

* Figure out what I truly want in life.
As simple as that.
Pretty much figured by now :)

* Stay in touch with all my friends who are dear to me. Wherever they are. Wherever I am.
This one's not been too hard so far.

Coming up, list of things I aim to achieve by 2012.

Where I struggle to learn

2009-11-19T05:12:00.000-08:00

I knew I needed to work on learning the language, but I think I always took advantage of the endless Tamil-Telugu conflict going on at their end. I mean I know I have to start at some point, but what can I do until they decide? Bah, these people never stop arguing about which language I should be learning. 'Telugu!', say his parents. Its the mother tongue. So what if its adulterated and not the original version of the language. No, learn Tamil, says Mint. Only that will be of use to you. Since most people in his family speak Tamil anyway. Not Telugu.

And so I just let go. Until I realised I was taking advantage of the situation and not learning either of the languages. The issue from their end is never going to be resolved. That I know. Does that mean I never bother to learn? Wouldn't it be wonderful if I try and pick up the basics of the language at least? Wouldn't it please his parents as well? Of course, which language it would be continued to be a mystery.

I decided it was high time I let go of the lethargy and start learning from the books I had purchased. I picked Tamil for two reasons. One, I didn't see any point learning the pure Andhra Telugu that the book would teach me. They speak a dialect, or the adulterated version anyway. And two, my heart tilts towards Tamil. Because its Mint's preferred choice. And honestly, I wanna learn the language to be able to talk to him, to share stuff with him; stuff that is lost in translation. Getting to that stage will take a very long time, but I need to begin somewhere. Right? With those thoughts, I picked up the book, and that marked the beginning of my struggle.

'Learn Tamil in 30 days through English' the title says. Within the first 4 days I had all plans of filing a law suit against the publication and the author. Yes, I was all willing to engage in legal proceedings to seek justice. How can they get away with such a deceiving title?

To learn a single word in the language, I had to first master the script. Learn the alphabets, the vowels (kuril and nedil). The consonants were another story all together. In the book, every word that is taught was written in the Tamil script. So I couldn't read it unless I knew the script.

I decided to try learning the script by myself. Very daunting task, I say. At first glance, a cluster of wiggly circles and ill defined squares stared at me, making me feel almost dizzy. I picked up a book and tried copying the different patterns and teaching myself the sound. But it was an exercise in vain. I couldn't manage to retain a single thing in my head and my book looked like it had drawings of different wiggly serpents coiling and spiralling in strange ways. My heart sank. I realised this was never going to work. I couldn't for the life of me memorise those letters and their sounds.

After ten days or so, I gave up. Without any guilt, because I think I tried my best and it wasn't working. Since then, I've been on the lookout for a good teacher. I am looking for someone who will patiently sit with me regularly during an allotted time and teach me the basics from scratch.

Until then, I am thinking of other ways to learn the language.

W.A.L.S

2009-11-17T23:47:00.000-08:00

I chuckled as I saw this piece of news. A national campaign called W.A.L.S?? Lol! It stands for Women Against Lazy Stubble. More about it here.

Seriously though, I often find myself asking Mint to go shave! What's with this 'lazy' excuse? I prefer a clean shaven look any day. Not the totally smooth look, but that hint of a stubble. I quite like that. But then again, definition of 'hint of a stubble' varies.

I really dislike the unshaven, or the 'lazy stubbled gruffy look' as they call it. But what I totally detest is the moustache. That I just can't stand. Shaving takes about 5 minutes. What is the problem then? Like this article says, 'access to an all-India survey that reveals how the secret to winning over a babe and your boss lies in spending 5 extra minutes in your bathroom' The article also speaks about the importance of a clean shaven look in a professional set up.

I totally agree. If I were the boss, I'd definitely be more impressed by well-groomed and clean shaven employees instead of sloppy, lazy employees with unkempt beards and stubbles. As a woman too, I pass my verdict. Heavy stubbles and beards are so not attractive. I am now one of the W.A.L.S.

Its finally over!

2009-11-14T02:30:00.000-08:00

The Masters. All this while, I only felt relief. But today, I held the paper that said, "Dear XX, The Postgraduate Board of Examiners congratulates you for successfully completing the Masters programme in Human Resource Management...'', and that's when the first ray of warm happiness made its presence felt. I am happy it is over, and that I won't ever have to do it again.

I really worked hard. I hated the system. It forced me to spend hours in the library, with my nose buried in some journal. I hated doing the reading and the research and writing those long papers, essays and reports.

It was a tough time. I hardly had the enthusiasm to cook for myself, and not enough money to eat out. So most days, my meal consisted of cereal dumped in milk and nothing else.

I remember walking back home once, after my seminar. It was about 7 pm and I did not really want to go back to an empty house. So I decided to sit on a bench in the park for sometime, although it was freezing. After a few minutes I realised I was hungry, but did not have enough money at that time to buy something for myself. Speaking of money, I didn't even have enough to pay the next month's rent. Calling dad was not a very good option. My acads were a huge mess. I had tons of assignments piled up. I sat there cold and hungry, staring at the darkness and worrying about the depleting money, my grades, my piling assignments and everything else. And as I sat there, wondering about what I should do, it started snowing. I don't know how long I watched the snow flakes fall in the darkness, but that was one time when I felt a crushing sense of loneliness.

When I think back, I feel really happy I sailed through those tough times. My post grad taught me a lot, a lot more than knowledge restricted to books.

The Diwali post.

2009-10-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

Diwali always cheers me up. And I know the value of Diwali in India now. It just is special. There are things that I don't appreciate though. The choking haze of smoke that suffocates you for example. And the noisy explosives. The sound of the ongoing explosions got so bad at one point, that I felt a heart attack on its way. Another time, I was strolling around in our society premises and admiring the decorations and the festive spirit, when I saw two young boys spreading out an endless strip of something that looked suspiciously like an explosive. Oh God, please let it not be what I think it is, I said to myself. The guy noticed the look on my face and said 'bomb hai bomb', with a wicked grin. Right. I realised I needed to run for my life. "Ek minute ruko please', I said, and skittered to the other side, making sure I had covered a safe distance before the racket of the never ending blasts began. I so wish they would ban such noisy crackers.

But there are a lot of things that I totally love. The lights. My favourite part of Diwali.

This is the view from my window.

I love lighting up the house with diyas, with the traditional brown clay diyas, not the fancy painted ones. This is one corner of the house.

This is something I struggled with. We asked some man for help but it still didn't come out right. The triangle on top is a sorry excuse for the flame :(.

This is a pic of the rangoli after someone shook the stand it was made on.. sigh.

This is a pic of the trees and the greenery in our society, all lit up.

One more from my draft

2009-10-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

I am scared. Scared of all the unknowns in my life. Scared to the extent of being terrified. I've always been a person who would rather cuddle the security blanket and revel in the comfort it provides than experience the high of pulsating heartbeats. I know its not so cool to prefer security over excitement. After all people take great pride in talking about that rush of adrenaline that comes with taking risks and facing new challenges. I would have been better off had I been different. I wish I was built of stronger stuff.

I do not know where I would be at this time next year. I do not know what I would be doing. I do not know if I would find a job I like and if I'd be working. I do not know if I would get what I want. I knew I needed answers to similar questions last year as well, but that did not scare me half as much. Right now its a bottomless pit of possibilities I am falling into and the fear is gradually swallowing me.

It all results in a departure from my usual self. I want that to change. I am going to work on being fearless. Truly fearless. Where I can pluck out the dressing shielding my wounds. Feel ready to take off and face the wind, even if it messes with the direction of my flight. Because its okay to land on unfamiliar territory. Its okay to make mistakes. I wanna celebrate life and say 'bring it on'. I know its a huge mission but one that I hope to accomplish sometime soon..

The two worlds..

2009-10-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

I am generally very content with the way I have lived life. I've grown up in pink comforts and been quite indulgent, without being totally spoilt. (No, I am not spoilt!) My parents have given me enough freedom, and at the same time ensured I stay within limits. So I dress the way I like. I wear sleeveless tops, body hugging clothes, etc. Of course, no cleavage and bare belly for me. I've been to my share of pubs/clubs/parties, and at the same time not made it a habit to be back home very late. I used to drink at times, but I quit a while ago. For stupid reasons that deserve another post. However, I don't think having a drink or two is bad or wrong. I quite enjoyed it. I can say my lifestyle on the whole is kind of indulgent, but a lot of fun!

And then when I think of Mint's family, I cannot help but notice the contrast. They are very simple people, with a very simple life style. They're a lot more conservative, orthodox and rigid in their views. They're more traditional too. I speak to his parents quite often, and they're very nice to me. But every time I cannot help notice the difference between us and our way of living.

I am going to be meeting them in a few days for the first time and have been fretting over what to wear. Should I wear jeans and let them see me the way I am? Or should I wear a salwar kameez, because they would surely appreciate an Indian outfit more. No, hearing things like 'just be yourself, what you have on does not matter', etc is not what I want. Because I will be myself but I do know what I wear does matter!

Well, this is just the beginning. We live in two very different worlds and I know they cannot merge. So I see myself floating in and out of these two worlds. One where I wear sleeveless tops, dine at a continental joint and enjoy Italian risotto and another one where I don saris and salwars, respect a new set of customs and traditions and live a different culture. I think I am quite prepared. It should be an interesting journey...

The bird hay paaty!

2009-09-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

It was my cousin's daughter's birthday. My niece turned 3. My cousin had been planning her birthday bash for months. The venue was some party hall in a 5-Star hotel. In my opinion, the whole do was a little too extravagant. I wondered if this was the best way to celebrate a child's birthday party. Aren't they sure to be spoilt if they're brought up in such excessive lavishness? My cousin on the other hand was sure she would have only one such grand celebration for both her kids and this would not spoil them. Anyway, I am nobody to judge and this post is not about her parenting, but my personal observations.

The little girl was excited for over a month about her upcoming barney themed birthday party. I loved listening to her innocent babble and she went all out inviting every soul she met for her 'bird hay paaty!!'.

I knew the celebrations were planned on a grand scale, but I was still a little unprepared for all that I saw. I was a little late by the time I reached, but the moment I entered, I saw a clown entertaining the little kids by bobbing on a one wheeled cycle. The kids seemed to be having a whale of a time and were laughing and cheering the clown. My niece, the centre of attention was on top of the world. Her expression was priceless and something I cannot describe. The whole party seemed like a lot of fun. Clowns, comical and entertaining hosts, tattoo artists, magicians, artistic hair braiding specialists, fun puppet shows, thoughtfully designed games, I was truly amazed!

The buffet was another story all together. I was baffled by the spread that lay in front of me. The live pasta stations and the dosa centers kept me busy all evening. The cake was heavenly. I had such a great time, and I paused to take it all in. Here are my two cents:

The money: I've realised you can do a lot if you have the money. There is simply no end to the world! I have also realised that people *do* have a lot of money, and they're willing to spend it.

The kids: I am still not sure if it is wise to give the kids a glimpse of this world and raise their expectations. What if there is no room left for small joys? All that said, I saw the kids having such a terrific time and was left confused. Would they have been as happy with a cake and ice cream affair at home? If you can afford it, maybe their joy, happiness and endearing smiles makes it all worth it? I am still confused.

The women: Okay, I'll have to call them the girls! Every single one out there was gorgeous. How do they do it? I thought they were moms, and dealing with a pregnancy messes up with the shape of your body! Those slender legs, fitting jeans and hot bodies made me green with envy. I found it so hard to believe, that they were actually mothers! And like I said, it looks like people do have a lot of money. What other explanation would there be for the kind of clothes, shoes and accessories that were on display? On conversing, I discovered that a lot of these pretty ladies had either quit their jobs or were taking a break in their careers to spend time with the kids. That made me more curious to know how the designer labels came, just from a single income?

The men: Or the young guys. I was quite pleased to see the new age dads in their roles. No longer do the men isolate themselves, form separate groups and simply watch their wives toil and manage the kids. I saw every guy there participating in every activity, as much as the women, and in some cases, more than the women! So they played games, chased their over energetic toddlers, fed them, kept a watchful eye on them, and basically did everything a parent should do, and not simply a mom. I am glad!

The couples: One of my most favourite things to do is to observe a couple's interpersonal chemistry. I love seeing how they deal, interact and behave with each other. It gives me an idea of their relationship. I saw two couples quarrel over something which seemed rather silly. The husband wanted to drive to khandala the next morning (it being a sunday), and the wife wanted to just relax at home. Their argument intensified and had the 'shut up and get lost' thrown in, complete with frowns and sulking. And the moment their little one started dancing in the crowd, both of them ran to the spot. I saw them jump and cheer in excitement, hold hands and smile. All good in a single moment? My cousin, who was present said something to me which stayed with me for a long time, 'You know, a lot of times kids are the binding factors for parents, and they are what brings them closer'. I guess that is true.

Families: They seemed so happy. All the young couples and their little babies, playing, clapping, dancing along to the tunes of 'put your right leg in, put your right leg out..' Just watching them made me feel peacefully happy.

I'd call her bird hay paaty a huge success! I only hope the little girl enjoys all her birthdays as much, whatever be the mode of celebration.

PS* This post has been sitting in my drafts for a little while. I finally decided to publish it.. And oh, I wonder if I mentioned on the blog, but I have moved back to India. And being able to participate in such events makes the decision totally worth it.

I crave Goa!

2009-09-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that purple blur on the right is me. In one of the quaint lanes of Goa. Goa!!

I love the idea of being there and doing absolutely nothing. I wanna be on the beach, sit on the sand, stretch my legs and watch the waves. I want to have the musk melon shake from one of my favorite shacks at Calangute beach.

I wanna settle with a book in the balcony of my cottage at night. I wanna go to Britto's and have one of their candle lit meals while I sit facing the beach. I want it all. Right now!

And I am back...

2009-09-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

Its been a very long time and I've missed this place. I have a lot to say, but this post is going to be full of random thoughts. Totally random.

I've been wondering why I can't ever grow and file my nails. I think soft manicured hands with shapely nails look great. I would like to have moderately long nails with a french manicure. But I just can't ever grow my nails. I trim them every few days and I don't know why.

I think I am a real bitch who sniffs her way around. I tend to judge the substance by the fragrance/smell/odour. So I decide if the shampoo/body wash/ food/ weather/ place is good depending on the scents they distribute to the surrounding. I also smell things just because it gives me great pleasure to do so. Fresh coffee, rain and new books are my favourite. This is probably not very unusual but it I still believe I am a little too judgmental and opinionated when it comes to fragrance.

I am eating raw uncooked maggi right now and I just realised how much I like it. Doesn't it have its own charm, especially when its mixed with the flavoured masala given in those little silver packs. The bottom of the pack now has the remains of the masala and I totally love it. Oh, I always save my favourite parts for the end.

I have to start working on myself to improve my overall health and appearance. I want to start with drinking lots of water. I know I do not drink sufficient water in a day. Infact my fluid intake is minimal and I have to change this. But I don't know how to, considering I am not used to having more than a few sips at a time.

My thesis is finally over and I have just one word to describe how I feel right now; relieved.

I missed the blog and I am happy to be back :)

Its been a while..

2009-08-10T00:31:00.000-07:00

since I put up a post. I've logged on to blogger, come to this page and typed out a post. Many times in fact. But each time I am struck by the fear of being read. Should anyone have access to such deeply personal and abstruse thoughts of mine? I am not really sure I want anyone to know what goes through me. Especially when the time is so difficult. And so, I take one last look at what I have written and exit from the page.

The more I try to escape it, the more I am forced to face it. I am only human. Why then does this burden of choice rest on me? I have no angelic virtues. Yet, I am forced to demonstrate my integrity to my own self. In so many ways. And now, I relent. I don't think I am a good person at all. Far from it.

Some things have been good though. But I just can't get myself to write. I will be back to blogging soon. Once my frozen emotions thaw. Once the red liquid flows again..

Making ends meet.

2009-07-05T02:45:00.000-07:00

They say its a struggle at times. I realised the true significance of that phrase when I tried to zip up an over stuffed suitcase that was bursting at its seams, quite literally.

And now I face the consequences of hauling around luggage that consisted of monstrous and giant sized bags. I hope my shoulder heals soon!

I don't believe it..

2009-06-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson is truly dead. It makes me very, very sad. Just the mention of his name takes me back in time. I remember sitting on a spread out sheet of newspaper in a muddy field, with the sun directly over head and sweat dripping off my brow. Those were school days. We would be out on what we called, 'the ground' during our Sports Day rehearsels. And while we waited for our turn to rehearse all our drills and march past ceremonies, MJ songs would be played out on a rickety walkman that had been victoriously smuggled in to the premises of the sports field. Yes, that was the audio cassette era. His songs bring back sweet memories of being sun burnt and dehydradated. Of humming 'heal the world' while hungrily eating cheese sandiwiches that had been packed by my parents in a shiny silver foil. Of fighting and sharing the head phones with friends. I loved his music. And now, he's gone.

Father's Day

2009-06-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I missed it this year. But then I am late by just a day, that's fine right? And without a laptop I couldn't do one of my usual fathers day posts, so its not my fault right? Right! I've run out of excuses now.

It was during my phone conversation with dad yesterday, when he asked me, 'So you wont wish me for Father's Day this year?'. And I gulped. Was it father's day? Oh ok, it was. 'Ofcourse I will, Happy Fathers Day'. But I knew wishing him after he reminded me wasn't the same at all.

So I really apologise pa. I don't know what I am so caught up in, that it totally slipped my mind this year. I hope I can make it up to you. For now, I am putting up a few lines I got in an email from Kaya Skin Clinic that I thought were utterly cute.

' To the first man I ever smiled at..
To the first man I truly loved..
To the man I looked for in every other..
To the man who thought I grew up too soon..
To my father..
The first man I belonged to..

Happy Father's Day!

Love,

Your daughter'

And its gone.. :(

2009-06-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

It makes me wonder. Was it abuse from my side that was responsible for this untimely demise? I mean, they're known to not have very high life spans. But on an average, I thought it would stay with me for 2.5-3 yrs atleast. It died in a little less than 2 years.

It had been ailing for the past few months and was critical in its last days. I did intend on gettin it treated appropriatelty, but as usual I act too late :(. I am going to try a few revival strategies to bring it back to life, but I do know that in reality, my laptop has died and I am moaning its death.

I have so much to do because of my thesis, I really don't know how I am going to survive without a laptop. Running to the university cluster each time I need access to a computer and internet is a phenomenal pain. But looks like I'm not really left with any choice right now.. :(

A glimpse of the past..

2009-06-06T07:12:00.001-07:00

These are pics taken in random residential lanes of the city, a few months ago. A very common picture for people who are used to living in cold places. But for me??? The less said the better. I've already mentioned how I acually managed to feel cold in Mumbai winters at times. I am surprised I can actually survive in a place like this.

So now that summer is here and the sun shines on the lawns, seeing these pics gives me that added sense of relief. I see people lying down on the grass and enjoying the delicious sun shine and I smile. And to celebrate the cherished warmth, I initiated the idea of having an outdoor pot lunch with a bunch of friends. I can't wait.. !

A tribute to Mint..

2009-05-31T09:45:00.001-07:00

This blog was always incomplete. There has hardly been any reference of the force that keeps me going. Of the wind beneath my wings. I always wanted to write about him, but the pressure of finding the right words to convey my sentiments seemed too overwhelming. Today however, I shall try and put into words what I feel.

Although I've known Mint for about 6 years now, it was just an evening of casual conversation that nurtured the germination of my joy and our journey. Sometime in the past, I've written a post that talks about the grief I went through because of the ex. It had been a year since we parted, and I had still not recovered completely. I wrote about how I waded through life. The entrance of Mint into my life at that time, brought with it new horizons of hope. He picked me out of my fears and gave me new reasons to dream. He rebuilt my confidence in myself. His caring ways made me fall in love with him gradually. It has been a long time now. He's is my strength, my pride and my source of joy. Very cliched yes, but very true indeed.

He did, and continues to add a million smiles to my face by doing the sweetest of things for me. I absolutely adore the way he says 'O-keyy' and 'haaaan?'. I love the way he calls me his 'angel'. I adore the childlike way in which he sulks in a corner if he is upset with me. I love the way he has blended into my family. I love the effort he takes to talk to my parents and my sister.

When he was here, I loved the way he would ask me to stand straight and then button up my long black winter coat. I loved the way he'd make me wear my socks and then tie my laces. When we travelled to Scotland, I remember being so sleepy and grumpy when we reached because of the sleepless night and the journey. And then when we went to some quiet bar, he just sat there doing nothing at all, staring at nothing in particular for a good two hours, and lending me his shoulder to sleep on. When I woke up, I asked him how he could stay so still for so long, and do nothing at all and just sit there? Wasn't he bored? All he told me was he wanted to let me sleep and he was happy he could let me do that. He has gifted me memories for life.

When I've been harrowed, haggard and lost during my submissions, he's stayed up entire nights to work on my assignments, and then gone to work in the morning without a minute's sleep. How can I ever thank him enough?

He actually makes funny faces for me on demand. I select the yahoo emoticon and ask him to mimic the funny facial expressions and actions and he really does it. It makes me laugh and chuckle forever.

I want to write about a lot of other incidents which have been so special to me, so that I have a record to come back to over time. But I do realise a single post is not enough. So the coming few posts are going to talk about a lot of 'Minty episodes'.

Knowing Mint, he's going to be mad when he reads this! He believes I always create a very good impression about him, and thus generate a very biased view. First of all, relax Mint, cos hardly anybody knows of this blog! But to be fair, at this point, I'll add, that the above mentioned incidents and facts only show one side of his. There is more to him than that. He also yells at me, fights with me, loses his patience and gets me mad as well. But isn't that what makes us real? We all know an overdose of sugar and sweetness can cause diabetes.

Lastly, since I did not want to continue blogging under my real name, I am changing it to something that complements Mint, albeit in an indirect way. Henceforth, I am Pepper. Consequently, I have edited the "About me" section on the left that describes me and the blog.

Simple pleasures..

2009-05-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

While I was growing up, my mom and dad would often take me for night drives around the sea-face, and we would sit there on the benches watching 'the moonie'. I've always been mesmerised by the beauty of the moon, and I am spellbound each time I gaze at the white gleam in the darkness. When I moved into this house, I was very disappointed because my bedroom has a small window. Moreover, the direction of the room is such that the moon was not always visible easily.

In the past few days however, I have actually been able to spot the moon when I sit by the window. I've been delighted! I turn off the light, get my duvet next to the window, snuggle up and listen to 'Chandni Raatein' as I watch the moon. It adds a big smile to my face :-). Ah, the small joys of life!

Introducing, PITA!

2009-05-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

There are times when you get so irked by someone, you want to smack them in the face. When you are so annoyed, you wish that someone would just vanish into thin air. I live with one such person. His aim in life is to come up with novel ways to trouble me. He is officially named PITA on this blog. It stands for Pain In The Ass. He will no longer be referred to as U, an abbreviation of his name. Henceforth, he is Pita. Pita is my friend P's boyfriend. The three of us live together.

If I am having a peaceful shower, Pita will rub his hands in glee and switch off the bathroom light. I always wished we had the switches inside the bathroom instead of having them outside. It gives him such an advantage. I've often struggled to wash off the shower gels, hunted for my towel, and stuck my head out to yell at him. Our bathroom does not even have a window and it is pitch dark inside without the light. If I am too lazy to step out of the shower, I'll plead with him to switch on the light. Obviously he uses this opportunity to make me say things and agree to terms that I would not say or agree to under normal circumstances.

If I am sleeping for long hours, he'll insist on me waking up. Keep knocking on my bedroom door, calling out to me and annoy me till I wake up. Total Pita!

He has other tactics to get me worked up as well. If I ask him the time for instance, he'll add another hour to the real time before telling me. It will make me run around to get things done. When I discovered this tactic and stopped asking him the time, he sneakily changed the time in my cell phone and increased it by another hour. He then enjoyed seeing me get worked up and run around to get to class on time. And then laughed more when I realised what had happened, and when I wondered what to do with a spare hour in my hands..

If I want something, he'll insist on me not having it, just to make things difficult and annoy me. If I say something, he'll say something contradictory just to oppose me. And then grin.

And the way he loves scaring me. He will continue to hide behind doors and stand in the passage just to pounce on me when I walk around the house. I have told him I am going to be a heart patient soon and it is going to be only because of him.

But then, he also makes coffee for me and brings me breakfast in bed. He forces me to eat when I tell him I wanna skip a meal. He looks after me if I am unwell. He buys me chocolates, candies and muffins each time he buys P that stuff. He insists on calling me his sister-in-law and not his sister. Since P, his beloved girl happens to be one of my best friends, I let him decide what he wants to name our relationship. To me, it doesn't matter. He annoys the hell outta me, but then he is also extremely nice and caring. We grin, we laugh, we quarrel endlessly, and amuse P no end. If we move out, I am definitely going to miss this Pita.

I can't study..

2009-05-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

Its been a while now. I sit at my desk and watch the loose sheets of paper lying around me. But each time I pick up a sheet to read, all I end up doing is doodling or scribbling random gibberish on the blank ends. Attempting to study seems to be a futile process. My eyes stare at the printed text mechanically. I continue to read, but my brain does not interpret a word. Before I know it, I realise I've reached the end of the page without really assimilating a single line I've read. And then it starts to happen. I travel in my mind, and visit destinations that disturb me and I feel so distraught at the end of these short mental trips.

Maybe a mug of hot strong coffee will help, I think. I make myself the coffee and bring it back to my desk. It provides little motivation. I continue to live in my pensive and dazed world as the coffee turns luke warm. I force it down before it turns into a messed up version of cold coffee.

I then decide to move to the bed. Maybe I should just sit back and relax myself while I read. It only results in my mental flights taking off more frequently and landing at junctions that make me want to curl up and hide under my duvet. And that is exactly what I do; pull up the covers and lie beneath.

A long shower perhaps. It may help in clearing my thoughts. I am not sure how long I stand under the shower, but it clearly does not help. The moment I try to study, I realise I am as disoriented as ever. Sigh.

I know I cannot afford to let this happen. Each day that is passing by is going to cost me heavily. I don't know what to do. I wish I could momentarily extract my brain and put it for a wash. Use some effective cleansing detergent and scrub of the grime. I would then insert it back only when it would be totally fresh and purified. Once all the distressing thoughts are filtered, I am sure I wouldn't have any trouble absorbing what I read.

For now, I will go back to trying my old ways and hope I achieve some results, even if negligible.

Just like you

2009-05-12T10:40:00.001-07:00

I see a lot of you in me. Yes mama. I do. Evertime I:

- Realise I rinse and stack the dishes in the sink while they wait to be washed. And get mad if people don't. Just like you

- Find myself asking people to put the butter back in the fridge after its been used. Just like you

- Stand in the kitchen with the napkin slung on my shoulder. Just like you.

- End up covering pans with plates instead of lids. Just like you.

- Realise that it is important for everyone to be able to clear the food waste from the drainage in the sink and not be repulsed. Just like you.

- Find myself urging people to eat more. Just like you.

- Be the first one to run into the kitchen if someone needs pickle/water/salt. Just like you.

- Get mad at myself for being so absentminded at times. Just like you.

- Understand the importance of affection and expressing your love openly. Just like you

- Find myself laughing out aloud for the lamest of reasons. Just like you.

- Have the same expression of annoyance when someone or something bugs me. Just like you.

- Want to help some person in need by contributing a few pounds, even if I cant afford it. And then feel happy about it. Just like you.

- Tilt my head and smile. Just like you.

- Use the expressions you do, to tell people how much I love them. Just like you.

Maybe it is a part of growing up. Maybe it is maturity kicking in. Or perhaps it is just me missing you. Either ways, I do see glimpses of you in me. Someday, I hope I can be something like the warm, exuberant and understanding person that you are. Someday mama, I hope I can be just like you.

I realised I've lost it...

2009-05-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

when I was reading an email and felt sudden panic on noticing the length, and tried to look for the word count after highlighting it. Damn these assignments!

A break..

2009-05-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

The past month has been quite stressful for me. I'd say its mainly because of the submissions. And, because I worry like hell.

I worried about finishing my assignments on time. I worried about not doing them well enough. I worried about not spending enough time with my family when I was in India. I worried about not seeing them soon again. I worry about the things happening at present. I worry about the state my bones are in. I worry about not eating right. I worry about not exercising. I worry about not having sufficient knowledge and experience in cooking. I worry about not having enough money. I worry about not waking up on time. I worry about not being efficient enough and completing regular domestic chores. I worry about my thesis. I worry about visa issues. I worry I'll not have enough time and enthusiasm to enjoy this place. I worry about getting the right job. I worry about whether I'll continue to live here or move else where. I worry about triggers that make me react in violent ways. I worry about my recent unstable behaviour. I worry about gaining acceptance from Mint's parents. I worry that I am falling short in every single way. I worry about what the future holds for me. I worry about the results this sem. I worry my dreams will never come true. I worry, I worry, I worry.. Sigh

I've experienced ripples of anxiety passing through me and the result has been a very frazzled me. This is why I agreed to give myself a break. The place seemed perfect to unwind. And now I want to put down parts of the trip, so that I can read it and have a reason to smile on days when I get too caught up in this web of negativity.

We spent the first part of the day on the rides. Or should I say, getting our bodies jostled and our bones jolted. Here is a pic :

Those are heads in the picture dropping down to the earth at lightning speed. Such rides were fun no doubt, but were responsible for tearing the muscles in my neck and shoulders and making me feel the disjointed pieces of my back.

After the rides, we played games and U won a really big heart shaped stuff toy for P. No wait, it wasn't just big. It was enormous. So enormous that we had to carry it with our arms outstretched, and had to take turns to carry it. It resulted in aching arms and a very restricted view. Both of us had a couple of falls while walking with the giant sized heart, cos we couldn't really see the ground below, nor could we clearly see the direction in which we were heading. It was also fun to see people smiling at us as they passed by. After a while, we realised we were being stupid by attempting to carry it the way we were. Used our common sense and the two of us carried it by holding on to the ends, or rather, 'hands'.

It really is a hell lot huger than it appears to be in this pic.

We then ate lunch at a mexican joint. After that, I wanted to explore the place by myself, so I set off, at the risk of being hopelessly lost. I proceeded to what was called the 'gloomy woods'. But with a lush expanse of green, and a stream merrily gushing along your path, gloomy is the last thing I would call it. The woods were lovely and very serene, and made me thoroughly enjoy my walk there.

After walking out of that place, I decided to sit back under a tree and listen to music. Something I've wanted to do for a very long time, and I did just that!

We later went and sat by a pond. They had these comfortable reclining chairs on the grass beside the pond. We watched the ducks wander around and could actually hear the gurgling sounds of the water. A relaxing evening indeed!

I loved this place. Not only did it have rides that made you feel that rush of adrenaline, it was also in close touch with nature, making it the perfect destination for fun combined with some quiet retrospection. I love England for having such places. I hope I get a chance to go there once again....

What is it?

2009-04-01T23:42:00.000-07:00

Why do I worry so much? What is it with me? A lot of times I realise I haven't really been breathing. My breath is caught in my lungs. My eyes are straining. The over exherted muscles in my head all seem knotted and throbbing.

I know I need to:
Take a deep breath. Learn to breathe. Close my eyes. Calm myself. Let the thoughts fade. Relax..

These are the last few days of my vacation in India. I go back to UK soon. *Sob*

Here I am...

2009-03-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

This is me. There's no where else on earth I'd rather be. I'm home! And am I glad or what..

The journey back home was tiring. Right from the long wait at Heathrow to the never ending flight. I happened to be seated next to a squirming toddler and a very harassed mother. The moment I saw them, I felt sorry for the lady. Imagine having to control a loud, wiggly and restless two year old all by yourself, and also bear with the grimacing looks passed on to you by other intolerant passengers. I've always empathised with mothers traveling alone with kids and know what a task it is, so I decided to help out. I distracted him while his mom fed him and then we watched the clouds outside and played the game of forming mental images of animals with every visible cloud. I later moved to another seat while he slept so that it gave him the extra space to stretch his legs.

I then happened to sit with the crew. I tried reading, napping and chatting with the air hostesses, but time seemed to pass at a snail's pace. After what seemed like a year, they finally announced the landing. That is when it hit me. In a few minutes I would be actually seeing my family! The impatience in me was evident by my behaviour, as I tried to rush the people in front of me to exit the aircraft.

Ofcourse, when you desperately wait for something, it has to be delayed. I hastily went through the customs to be able to get out as soon as possible. But then, one of my bags was missing. I waited at the baggage claim impatiently, but there was no sign. Soon all the passengers had left and an empty belt circulated, much to my dismay. I could begin to feel the onset of an anxiety attack as I realised that bag contained some important papers, without which I would be lost. I dragged myself to the right counter and reported my missing bag. I was delayed by another hour but they finally found my bag. Phew!

When I walked out, I spotted noone and wondered where they were. And then I saw them. My dad was looking out for me, and mom was in the midst of a conversation with A. I waved, they didn't see me. I waved again. There was no response. I know where I get my blindness from, I thought to myself. I went closer and waved a third time. Dad saw me. I watched him turn around to the others and delightedly exclaim, 'she is here!'

I saw mom run towards me. That is when I decided I couldn't take the distance that separated us anymore. I abandoned my trolley and ran towards her, into her embrace. And then into the arms of my smiling father. I am truly home.

I fear..

2009-03-14T15:15:00.001-07:00

I am easily scared. Startled is more like it. Different things startle me and sound tops the list. A sudden shriek, a loud horn and I am sure to jump out of my skin. I then lie quivering, palpitating, gulping in air and trying to even my breath.

Sound isn't the sole factor that brings out that reaction. I am generally fearful of anything that is even remotely frightening. I have always detested being home alone, especially at night. My mind rarely rests. I gaze at the shadows on the walls that are cast by night lamps and almost expect them to take ghostly shapes and pounce on me. I observe the light that shines through the gap beneath the doors and imagine people walking past my room. I hear fictive foot steps and my alert mind picks out the tiniest of sounds. I imagine evil spirits parading outside my room, awaiting the chance to attack me.

I try to trace my fears. I doubt its all the monsters from Goosebumps and Frankensteins spinning spooky stories in my head. What is it then? I remember my mom always narrating a paranormal experience that she had when my dad's grandmother passed away. I grew up listening to that incident and I guess somewhere in my subconscious self, that fear was planted.

And, an incident which I shall never forget in this life time. It was the 4th day after my maternal grandfather passed away. I was sleeping in his bedroom. At that time, I proudly owned a teddy bear shaped key chain that sang 'makarina' when the button on the belly was pressed. I lay fast asleep when the sudden sound of makarina blaring out of the keychain woke me up. I looked around the room. There was nobody. I saw the teddy bear sitting on the side table as the song continued to progress. How in the world did it start off on its own? Was there some unknown presence that activated or set off the sound? I have never been more terrified in my life than I was during that moment. I remember leaping out of bed and scurrying to my mom and aunts who were talking in the other room. I told them what happened and they told me I either imagined it, or it was the late reaction of the button being pressed repeatedly at an earlier time. Either ways, I was left horrified.

I have always been faint hearted and my reactions have been a source of entertainment for guys. Most of them derive perverse pleasure in scaring me in diverse ways. A friend of mine takes thrill in jumping on me from some corner when I am walking in a dark corridor. Another friend once insisted on me hearing ghostly, true to life tales in a dark hotel room in Goa, and he pounced on me on the most appropriate (or in appropriate?) moment, when the wicked spirit made an appearance in his story. He enjoys telling friends about my terror filled cry that followed. I've been dared to watch horror movies while being locked in an empty house, I've been challenged to spend a night in an abandoned, seemingly haunted building. Recently, a few guy friends kept pelting my bedroom window with hardened snow balls, knowing very well how the suddennees of the impact, sound and the fear of the unknown would make me jump and tremble. My extreme reactions seem entertaining to most guys. Although my pounding heart and shaky body don't seem very amusing to me.

I think all of us are forced to encounter our fears at some point. What inspired this post was the fright I deal with every time I step into the shower. The door of the shower cabin fits in and bangs shut on its own after a while, despite being securely locked into place in the beginning itself. I don't know what explanation to offer, but its been happening since months. Its probably the vibration caused by the heating of the water, or some such thing. I don't know. I've grown used to it and don't get as terrified as I used to earlier, however it continues to make me jump each time it happens.

I only hope I manage to calm myself and put my fears to rest at some point.

Sunshine after the storm..

2009-03-06T13:17:00.000-08:00

That's exactly how it looks and feels like now. The previous post was written under a heavy depressive spell, while a dark cloud hung overhead. I still don't feel very steady, but I think the storm is dying down. Hopefully, my stormy reactions will die down too.

In other news, I AM GOING TO INDIAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!. In just 2 weeks! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D For almost an entire month! Okay, I'm done with the jumping now..

Anyway, on a different vein, a classmate of mine saw me blogging and said this; 'People who blog, either do it for readership, or 'cos they're really lonely people'. I don't really agree. People blog for a variety of reasons. Considering my blog is password protected I definitely DO NOT do it for readership. I've always blogged on and off for about 5 years now simply cos I can't really stay without writing. Earlier it was mainly to let off steam. And to talk about different issues that interest me. But then I wondered, am I really an escapist since I confine my thoughts and feelings to a page on the web? Do I not want to share them with people I talk to everyday? And I came up with a lot of answers that spoke otherwise. So I'm convinced! We blog for different reasons. I'm not going to get into them now, we all go by what matters to us.

However, at one point I decided to close the doors to the random surfers. It is cos of posts like the one below this. Why allow people to read your somber expressions and mess with their mental state? "This is my space" is too arrogant an explanation according to me. And so the lock was put. You can't really enter my territory that easily. I decided to take up the job of an 'entry clearance agent' and grant visas only to a select few. Ha!

I've realised I'm blabbering crap. That's my cue. Am outta here.. Gnite!

Fury.. Ash... Rain...

2009-03-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know what really made me come up with that title. I don't know what it signifies. I'm just random and bizarre.

How do I really cope with myself? Its a question that keeps resounding within the boundaries of my mind. I believe I am generally quite a happy camper in life. Small things cheer me up. It doesn't take much for me to smile and burst into peals of uncontrollable laughter.

Yet, this is one thing that heavily bogs me down. I am affected by it so deeply that my mind and heart have turned into manufacturing grounds for negativity. I feel the sizzling of different emotions in my bosom. I feel the pain growing in my chest. And then it all transforms into one single emotion; RAGE.

I know the reasons. It is caused by dissonance. By going against myself. By being unable to accept what is forced upon me. By not really seeing what was coming my way when I started this journey. By being mentally ill-prepared. By keeping a tiny window of hope open in some corner of my heart. By expecting miracles. What was I really thinking???? Had I expected this I would't have been so miserable. Why did it have to appear so incredibly simple in the beginning? I always knew myself and how impregnable my beliefs are. What then did I think would change? The situation? My solid beliefs? My acceptance?

The turbulence increases as this rage conquers me. Its giving birth to blind hatred. I say blind because this hatred refuses to see reason. No amount of sane rationalisation offers solace. This hatred is making me distance myself. I am in tears and ashamed of myself. The racket in my mind obstinately refuses to die down. It makes my nerves wrestle. The vast build up of conflicting emotions like anger, sadness, hatred, guilt leave me utterly exhausted.

I do not regret walking on this path. It qualifies as the best decision of my life. I only wish I knew what I was in for at the very beginning and didn't expect my story to culminate into a fairy tale world with the magical wave of a wand. Had I trained my mind at the very beginning and prepared myself for the possible consequences, I would be so much more at peace.

Now I am stuck in a warp and do not know how to deal with myself. I feel possessed. I constantly fear myself. A small trigger and it unveils a very ugly part of me. A part that can wipe me out.

I pray to be blessed with acceptance. That alone can lead me on to peace. And most importantly, I want to put an end to this rising hatred. I want the rain to heal me and extinguish the burning rage before I turn into ash.

To the..

2009-02-17T09:35:00.001-08:00

Dear English girl walking in the invisible skirt and leggings,

You are a mystery. How do you manage to wear nothing but those see-through leggings and be unaffected by elements of weather like the wind,the snow and the harsh biting cold? What are you made of really? A closer look at your open and uncovered top, exposing a shining expanse of your cleavage baffles and amazes me all the more! What motivates you to bare yourself like that in such extreme conditions? You sure seem to have an iron will.I hope whatever you are doing it for is worth it. How I wish I had the ability to endure this weather with such ease.

Best of luck!

-The puzzled girl, bundled in layers of warm apparel walking behind you.

To the woman at the cafeteria counter,

What in the world are you selling in the name of 'Veg Indian Biryani'?? Not a hint of seasoning in that rice! You add boiled carrots, potatoes and peas to bland rice and call it biryani? You sell four spoonfuls of that disgusting looking, insipid rice that does not contain a molecule of spice for 6 pounds? Heck, I can make better biryani than that! You fool these fair blokes and make them believe they are tasting authentic Indian cuisine? Don't rip them off like this. Its nothing but deceit!

- The horror-struck, angry girl swearing under her breath in the corner

Dear old couple sitting next to me in the cafe,

There is something so endearing about you. You seem old enough to fit into the senior citizen category. Yet, I see that spark in your eyes that you have only for each other. I saw you kiss the top of her head and cuddle her, and I almost jumped out of my chair to come and hug you. There is something about romance that makes me beam dementedly. And ageless romance makes me dizzy with happiness. Seeing you today made my day. Thank you! Keep those kisses going..

May God bless you!

- The starry eyed girl smiling at you from the next table

To the dreamer that I am,

You really need to exit from wonderland. You spend a large part of your day, doing nothing but weaving dreams and indulging in pointless activities. A big pile of laundry in the basket, an enormous stack of dishes in the sink, a house that needs to be vacuumed, warmly welcome you back to reality. You have a never ending to-do list. So STOP PROCRASTINATING. Start existing in the world you live in, rather than living in the one that does not exist. The sooner you do it, the easier it will be for you.

- a miffed and hopeful me.

From my window..

2009-02-10T17:44:00.000-08:00

I see them coming. Dancing their way. They dress the earth in white. A pure sinless white. They speckle every naked corner mirthfully. The soft glow adds colour to my livid thoughts. I gulp my hot chocolate as I watch every colour losing its individuality and welcoming the unity the whiteness conveys. A thin film of mist deposits on my window. I draw a smile as I am filled with happy memories.

From my window, I see the little flakes of snow lose their shining identity as they merrily surrender to the vastness. From my window, I recognise pristine beauty.

2009-01-29T18:12:00.001-08:00

I do not know how to change my ways. I am so so mad at myself. Will somebody please teach me how to wake up on time? At a said time.

I manage to get Mint mad almost everyday. The resounding alarms coupled with the vibrating effects from the cell phone fail to wake me up. Or maybe I just hit snooze in my sleepy daze and not know it?

The cell phones (I have two of them) continue to ring. He calls me a million times to wake me up at the hour that has been previously decided upon by us. But maybe when I sleep the world turns mute. Why else would the calls not wake me up???

As usual, we'd decided to wake up at a particular time today. We need to operate according to the different time zones that USA and UK lie in and observe. To talk to me, he woke up at 5 am his time, just so that we get to speak for a while before I leave for class and he leaves for work! And no goodies for guessing, I continued to sleep through the trillion phone calls and the recurrent sounds of the buzzing alarms. Then finally I woke up with a jerk and realise its almost time for class. I speak to him, and in the next two minutes tell him I need to run now. He who has woken up at an insane hour to talk to me, and then patiently been waiting for me and attempting to wake me up is bound to get mad if I tell him something like that the instant we start talking. Oh how I hate myself!

When I lived at home, I had mom or dad coming over to wake me up. It would start by waking me up with kisses, and then moving on to shaking me, then shaking me enough to rattle my bones, and if all that failed, then the sister would give me a hard kick and push me out of bed.

Its been so long since I am living alone, but I have still not learnt how to wake up by myself. I always end up being late. Actually, I think I can deal with that, but what I cant deal with is the guilt. The guilt that comes when he wakes up for me, waits for me and I sleep through it all. It makes me hate myself..

I need to know the difference between being dead and being asleep. Oh, will someone teach me how to wake up?? :( :(

I want..

2009-01-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in the lab, hoping that the growls hollering out of my belly do not disturb the people around me. Unlike me, they all seem to be working in deep concentration, totally engrossed in their worlds. Yes, I am hungry. I know I can go to the cafeteria and pick up something that can relieve my famished soul, but today, I crave for something else.

I crave for chinese. Not the renowned, bland chinese food that is available in restaurants here. But Indian chinese. Chinese food that is sold on four wheeled carts on Mumbai roads. I wan't spicy schezwan noodles. Artificially oranged. Eaten with tin forks that have been dipped in a bucket filled with muddy water, in the name of being washed.

I am craving that flavoured spice in the noodles that makes you smack your lips, for the flies that keep you company, for the parked cars that allow you to lean on them as you watch the vehicles go by, for the water that fills up your eye as you take in the spice, for the greasy plates that you return to the vendor.

I want Mumbai. I want India. I want chinese food. I want spicy schezwan noodles!! I want it all..!

2008-11-27T15:42:00.000-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving. Or maybe I should say 'was', since it is past 12. I had actually thought of writing a list of things I was thankful for.

But here I am, feeling numb with pain. How can anything on this earth hurt me like this?

2008-11-27T03:02:00.000-08:00

How the hell could they do that to Mumbai? How the hell can they do that to any city? So many lives have been extinguished so far. Why? What for? I am so sick of these acts of violence and terror.

Everytime I think I 've managed to tuck away this feeling of despondency, I end up seeing flashes of news. I see the top of Taj go up in flames. I read about the people being held hostage. I see the mutiple explosions that rocked the city. I see the ongoing firings taking place. And I am struck by disbelief, shock and horror.

And it happened at places that I frequented regularly, like the Leopold Cafe? Taj and Gateway of India? How many times have we gone for drinks to Leo's? And gone driving at night around the areas of Colaba, Taj and Gateway? That makes me identify with the victims so much more. It makes it more unbelievable and I cant comprehend anything beside those terrifying images.

And the worst part? Its knowing that the terrorists are still hiding and taking shelter within the city at this very moment. That the combined forces of the police, army, navy, ATS squad have been unable to evacuate them from the hotels and other places they are seeking shelter in. That the firings and blasts are taking place even now. Terror looms large in my city. Being so far away makes it worse for me. I wish I were back home in Bombay.

2008-11-23T14:11:00.000-08:00

I am just happy today, for no particular reason. And I thought I should blog so that I record happy moments as well and not just have overly negative entries.

I've got some very random thoughts scooting through my brain.

While walking back home today, I threw my jacket overhead in my bid to protect myself from the icy rain. And saw two strangers laughing away. I smiled at them. Although I freeze, the rain invigorates me.

I feel very small and insignificant everytime I stand close to the sea.

The assignments are piling up. I have so much to do but I dont want to move.

The money is depleting. I hope some part time job falls into my lap. I dont want to worry more than I do.

There are so many things I am anxious about. A quick fix of hope is what I need at times.

I had issues with trust and faith. And then I thought by holding back I wasn't taking what life offered. So I did a free fall. I don't regret it.

Many times I wonder; how much is too much? why do people pretend to be things they're not? why is good chocolate so expensive?

I dont want to be at the mercy of anyone or anything.

I really want to be able to wake up early, treasure the peace and quiet of the morning. Sit with a hot mug of coffee on my desk and get some work done.

People tell me I am vulnerable. Do I really let my guard down that easily?

Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of deja vu.

I've realised I've become more quiet offlate. Although I am silent, there are numerous random thoughts jumping around crazily in my brain.

I am smiling.. :)

Brrrrr !!

2008-11-18T10:40:00.000-08:00

Having lived in Bombay all my life, my body is so conditioned to heat. I'd shiver in the pseudo winters of Mumbai and feel cold with just a slight nip in the air.

I came to England and the frigid weather here put the senses back in my brain, which had probably melted 'cos of the heat. The definitions of "pleasant weather", "warm day", "sunny weather", "cold", "windy", "rainy", "cloudy" were modified. My parameters were altered. My level of resistance and tolerance changed.

It was like being picked out of the furnace and being tossed into the freezer. I am surprised I've survived. So far atleast.. :)

2008-10-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

Diwali has always been special to me. It brings back some of my sweetest childhood memories. The excitement would start building the moment I would see the strings of lights being put up in our lane, usually a few days before Diwali.

A typical diwali day would start at 5 am. Thats when the distinctive marathi songs would blare outta the speakers put up in our lane, annoying a few, and making a few smile. For me, it would be a signal to jump out of bed, collect my bag of crackers made ready the previous night, and run down stairs. We'd all meet at the gate, set up the candle on some flat surface, and have a ball with the fireworks. A common sight would be; me igniting an explosive bomb, and then covering my ears with my hands, shrieking and running away from the place as fast as possible. It would often result in endless laughter that echoed from all sides.

The remaining part of the morning would be spent taking part in the various races and other events organised by the diwali society. The afternoons would be spent making rangolis. Evenings meant lighting diyas, some of them would be kept on the door step close to the rangolis, and the rest would illuminate the rooms in the house. We'd all save our best outfits for Diwali, dress up and go around the building, comparing rangolis and finally stay down in the compound and watch the beautiful decorations of the lane, take delight with each new song that was played, bask in the cracker polluted air and be a part of the cheerful celebration.

After I moved from that place, Diwali celebrations were more subdued. It meant standing on the door step, forming red rings in the air by orbitting the sparklers, enjoying the mithai, and going up to the terrace to watch the breathtaking pyrotechnic display.

This is the first Diwali I spent away from home. My celebrations included going to class, a visit to the temple, dinner at a friend's house, and a sole candle that burnt in my room.

Life changes. It gives you new experiences. Some good, some not so good. Nothing stays forever. Only the memories remain.

Sweet cravings..

2008-10-05T08:46:00.000-07:00

Apart from chocolates, and all things chocolate, I've never really been fond of sweets. Which is why these cravings come to me as a surprise. So what is it that has brought about this change in me? Why am I perpetually dreaming of what I saw at the bakery or the super market? And why does my mind have to be occupied by never-ceasing thoughts of chocolates, caramel glazed donuts, applie pies, blue-berry cheese cakes, chocolate n walnut brownies, milk chocolate cookies, strawberry cakes, lemon tarts, pineapple pastries, eclairs and the likes?

Why do I find myself wishfully eyeing the tempting goodies, stored close to windows that are meant to entice moony souls like me? Why do I find myself counting my pennies outside sweet shops? Why do I find it so hard to battle the desires that are steadily turning me into a pauper? Why do these cravings make me tip toe to the kitchen in the dead of night to pop in a malteser or a piece of chocolate? Why do I promise myself, saying this is the "last one" and then not live up to it?

And when offered anything sweet, I pounce on it like a starving flood ravaged villager. God save the people around me.

At this rate, I'll find myself out on the streets in the cold, with no food or shelter, only swirls of sweets surrounding me..

2008-10-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

Its hard to believe its been almost a month since I got to Leeds. The place is exactly how I expected it to be, so settling down hasn't really been difficult. At the same time, there are a few things that are new to me, a few things that I didn't anticipate, and its gonna take me some time getting used to.

What matters the most is that its a new life. I wanted to get away from people, but am not sure that is happening, considering our house is full of people at any given time of the day. But its a new life all the same.

Life here is smooth. Perhaps too smooth for my liking. I walk to class, where there are machines that help you cross the road. The sensor activated doors open up when I near the place. I swipe my way through everything. Everythings done in a few smooth steps.

Back in Bombay, getting to college would be an adventure. I'd run upto the gate, plead with the auto drivers to drop me to the station, push through the crowd at the platform, or either drive and battle the traffic jam, get to college, run up the stairs and knock on the door and beg the prof to let me in, and come up with novel excuses for being late.

When I look at this unruffled, machine operated world, I realise how lifeless this existence is. I see people walk by on the roads. And amid long black coats and high-heel boots, I search for humans..

I guess it'll take me a while to get completely used to this shining, mute world.

2008-09-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

3 more days and I leave this place. Leave behind the people I love, leave behind the city I love. My mind sways in different directions. I deal with the heartbreak of parting with my family, that is most precious to me, and with the excitement that comes with exploring new shores. Well, more than the place, I'm looking forward to a different life.

But what if I don't see some of these people again? Is it really worth leaving them? And what about the support structure that keeps me running, how will I do without that?
And yes, I am surprised by the overwhelming response I've got from friends. People have been calling me, telling me the nicest things, asking me to meet them for a little while, appreciating me, telling me how I made a difference to their life.

I'm trying my best to meet as many people as I can, but with just 3 days in my hands and so much to be done, I really don't know how much time I can afford to give. Every moment is packed with so much action, and I've been told stuff like getting an appointment with the President is easier than getting an appointment with me. Sigh.
And the gifts! Oh the gifts. And the cards. They've written the sweetest things about me. I'm so touched.

It means a lot when people you've hardly been in touch with call you up and wish you luck and tell you how much you meant to them. I am pleasantly surprised by the goodwill people seem to have for me. I never realised people had this kind of regard for me. It is good to be so appreciated :)

And yet again, I come back to the same thing. My family. How will I do without them, and more importantly, how will they do without me? What about my little sis? Ma and pa? grandma? friends? We all learn to live, that is true. But is this whole thing worth it? Shouldn't I be around if at all they need me? Well, it is a web I've spun for myself.

For now, I need to take a deep breath and go with the flow. Its time to test the sails. UK, here I come.

So random

2008-07-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

Everybody around me is so excited about the convocation tomorrow. Why don't I feel the excitement too? I know its supposed to be a big event, but what is the big deal really?

Its almost 2 am and here I am eating a lemon meringue tart which is oh-so-good. Its the best. This silly tart is making me really happy. I am funny? weird? normal? what?

2008-07-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

Confused. Dead. Wrung out. Lifeless. Stabbed.
Pushed. Pulled. Tugged. Stretched. Bent. Hurt.
Squashed. Throttled. Smashed.
Darkness. Suffocation. Drowning
Rot. Perish. Burn. Red heat. Abyss. Black hole.
Trapped. Cold. Shiver. Down fall. Infinity.
Faithless. No hope. Endless fears.
Try. Trying. Hard. Warm tears. Hot. Choking. Spill. Slide. Wet.

Yes, I can be very morbid.

Presenting the lil man..

2008-06-20T12:22:00.001-07:00

I spent the day babysitting my cousin's son. We decided to stay home for a bit since it was raining outside. It isn't easy for a highly energetic kid to stay cooped up indoors. My room now resembles a cyclone struck site. I brought out the paints. Painting with a kid is so much fun. I watched him fill the colour in the boundaries, with such pride. After a while, he was more interested in painting his nails. He used his favourite blue colour on all his fingers. I know I should have stopped him, but I didnt. He gets to be a kid only once. Let him do whatever he pleases. My white bed sheet turned multicoloured with smears of blue, red and green. So we replaced it with some hideous floral print, the one you can see in the pics. We didn't even bother changing the pillow covers :)

When the rain stopped, we went to the park. We watched the fountains, said hi to the duckies, sat on the slides, bought ballons, and had a great time. I really love kids.

Speaking of which, I've wanted babies of my own since I was 13. Thats what I really want in life. A happy family of my own. I wanna be there for them, every moment, and watch them grow. If I don't get married, I'll just adopt a couple of babies and bring them up with all the love in the world, and cherish them and all the small pleasures that come my way everyday. People my age have such different dreams, and here I am dreaming about happy families, and lil babies. I guess that makes me an outcast from the cool crowd.

2008-06-20T03:10:00.000-07:00

The snarling traffic jams in this city have been driving me (literally :D) insane. If the down pour of the rain is very heavy during high tide hours, all the water gets washed back in and the city starts flooding. It wrecks havoc on the roads. And, there is some kind of construction going on everywhere. Work in progress for the new flyovers being built. And, they're digging all over the place for the Metro project. The combined outcome? ENDLESS JAMS. The implications?

I've learnt to exercise better self control. I don't get delirious and ram into some random vehicle just for kicks. I *do* manage to retain my sanity, even under such circumstances.

I count numbers and deep breathe. A good way to pump up and oxygenate my nearly crippled lungs.

I've learnt how to drive while sleeping. Yes, its possible. Nope, I am not kidding. Spending nearly two hours in a car which is barely moving can make you very drowsy. You then learn to move on in that half asleep dopey state. You change gears without knowing it. You drive ahead without being fully conscious. And yet you're alert enough. Do I sound like some maniac?

I genuinely appreciate friends who are willing to talk to me at that time.

The RJ from Radio City suddenly seems like my best friend.

The maddening jams make me ponder and think over things I avoid thinking about. The blocked road in fronta me leaves me with no escape route.

By the time I get home, I am too tired to argue with bengari, or anybody for that matter. I listen to whatever you say. Agree to whatever you say.

Not such a bad deal after all?

2008-06-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

I am copy pasting something I wrote on Fathers Day last year, on my previous blog.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

I feel some surging pride when i think of my dad. Because I feel proud that this endearing man is MY father. He's bald (almost) and looks old for his age. Maybe thats why I find old men cute? I always believed my father is better than other fathers. Why you ask? Well.. He drove me to school, all my school life, right upto my 10th grade.Just because I wanted those 10 minutes of extra sleep and I thought the school bus came too early. My dad, he runs after me every morning, with a spoon full of honey (which has soaked almonds) and stuffs it into my mouth, every single morning. My milk has to be made only by him..he comes and hands me the mug, and when I refuse he insists that I have it, and sits right beside me till I gulp it down. If he's home in the evenings, he's the one who makes my coffee..not just for me, for my friends too, much to their amazement. I've seen my friends fathers dont take a glass of water on their own, let alone making coffee for their daughters and their friends..Have I told you about the oil massages he gives me? Do you know of too many fathers who do all this? Ok, you do? Don't tell me about them. I believe my papa is the bestest :)
Right from the time I was about 4 years old, he's been calling me "Angel baby" and "Princess" and continues to do so. It makes me really smile. His PJ's are so ho-hum at times, I just smile and say "okay dad, am bored". He targets not just us, but everybody around him...the poor souls cant even tell him they're bored...or do they? But a lot of times, he does crack me up..and I enjoy talking to him.. about anything and everything.
Sure, we have our share of arguments, but it always has a foolproof way of ending. When we're both cool, dad comes up to me, extends his hand and says "friends?".. and I know nothing can weaken the bond between us, its unparallel. Hugging him is like hugging a fuzzy bear and dad I want to tell you today, that I absolutely love you. Happy Fathers Day!

PS* Mama, you are an absolute darling and one of my best friends..writing so much about dad makes me want to dedicate a whole new post to you, but i'll save that for another day. This blog isnt too used to such heavy sentiments with dollops of nostalgia and emotions. Let dad hog the limelight today, since its Fathers Day

__________________________________________________________________

Its been a year. Not much has changed. Just that, my morning milk has turned into coffee. I don't have too much to say to you this year papa. Just a huge thank you. For having me, loving me, feeding me, educating me, fighting with me, splurging on me, giving in to me, yelling at me, being there for me, and tolerating all my nakhras. I've spent most of the day lying on your lap, as we both watched TV. Its hard to put my inner most feelings in words, but I hope you understand. All that I can say is, I love you.

2008-06-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

I was filling some form and it asked for an 'introduction'. Which made me really think. How am I supposed to introduce myself? My name? What I have studied? Whose daughter I am? Where I live? How old I am?
Who am I really?
A media graduate?
Someone's daughter?
Someone who gets startled with any kinda sound?
Someone who squeals in delight on seeing a brownie with chocolate syrup?
Someone who cant work unless its the very last minute?
Someone who worries like hell about the people she loves and cares for?
Someone who is often in a fix cos she doesn't know how to say no to anybody?
Someone who loves to read?
Someone who loves to listen to slow hindi songs?
Someone who loves Linkin Park, and Floyd, and Zeppelin?
Someone who gets mad a lot but doesn't show it?
Someone who gets cranky without her mug of coffee?
Someone who gets petrified by the idea of cooking?
Someone who hopes to be able to cook someday?
Someone who can be happy alone and lonely in a crowd?
Someone who cant stop sneezing if exposed to a lot of dust?
Someone who is lazy to the core?
Someone who loves silver junk?
Someone who dreamt of Prince Charming? And fount one
Someone who truly enjoys watching Mr. Bean and Tom and Jerry?
Someone who is a soppy romantic?
Someone who is terrified of lizards?
Someone who wants to own a house on a beach?
Someone who is capable of wearing her pajamas to a restaurant?
Someone who is forever confused?
Someone who misses her college life?
Someone who is constantly living with fears?
Someone who will go out of her way and do anything she can for the people she cares for?
Someone who really values the people around her?
Someone who is clueless about where she is heading in life?
Someone who hated physics?
Someone who loves a good bath?
Someone who can play on the swings and the slides for hours?
Someone who enjoys some kind of physical pain at times?
Someone who wants to be a good person?
WHO?

2008-06-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

I woke up to the sound of a lil crash. It was my vase!! My beautiful crystal vase had been knocked down. The huge sliding glass doors had been left open, and the rain and the howling wind, managed to move the curtains with such force, it brought the vase down :(. And when I looked out, I was truly amazed. The crackling bolts of lightning had ripped the sky apart. The thunder boomed as the rain pelted away. I just watched, in complete awe.
Mumbai rains! They're unlike rains in other cities, where it is a steady drizzle for an hour or two. In this city, the rains make you feel the vehement fury. 26th July 05, a day no Mumbaikar will ever forget, comes to my mind each time I think of the raw fury of the rain. A day in which hundreds of people drowned. A lot of people got injured. A lot lost their loved ones. A day when I walked in neck deep water, held on to the ropes people had tied, had a million cuts on my bare feet, saw corpses of buffaloes floating past me, and felt terrified and thankful for being alive.
In spite of the ugly memories, I love the rain. I love Marine drive, and love tasting the salty ocean spray on my lips. Love watching the waves crash on the boulders. Love the rainy songs that are played on all the radio stations. Romance lingers in the air. Band stand, Worli Seaface, Marine drive, Reclamation, there are couples cuddling everywhere. A lot of happy, smiling faces. :)

2008-06-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

Today was so much fun! Since two of my pals were home, we went out to the Aarey Jungle. Drove through the narrow road with the dense green cover on both sides. Went by the lake and hired a boat. The one where you paddle to move. The rain was so heavy! It was crazy to be out boating at such a time, but then crazy things are fun. The sudden current in the water kept rocking our boat and almost made it topple over at one point of time. Our combined shrieks at that time could have awoken the dead. And as we sat back giggling and getting soaked, I felt like a kid again.
I so wish I could go back to being a care free child. Is there anyway I can travel back in time? When I ran around in the building compound, climbed walls, played hide-n- seek with my little friends. When the only crucial discussions were, should we go to the terrace to fly a kite or should we play cricket on the backside of the building? When summer vacations meant playing in the staircase all day long. When monsoons meant finding earthworms in the mud, and holding them on leaves. When 'a problem' meant the shuttle cock landing on some unreachable ledge or a balcony. When excitement meant going out on the road on our bicycles, to have a glass of sugarcane juice. When I didn't really understand the meaning of the word 'worry'. Some life that was :)

2008-06-07T04:00:00.000-07:00

I am: extremely crazy and stupid.

I think: I should be more brave, and break the walls I've built around myself.

I know: that nothing lasts forever.

I want: to know what I really want.

I have: the best family in the world.

I wish: I was intelligent and smart.

I hate: people who portray false feelings in a relationship.

I fear: death. Of my loved ones.

I feel: the happiest when I am with someone I love.

I hear: the patter of rain, voices in my head, somebody's heart beat.

I smell: mostly fruity. Cos of the numerous fruity products I use.

I crave: for a holiday in the hills.

I search: for some answers that elude me.

I wonder: if I'll ever get married.

I regret: letting some people walk all over me.

I love: intensely. With all my heart and all my soul.

I ache: when I see people I love suffering.

I care: a little too much at times.

I am not: good with numbers.

I believe: that everybody is good, nobody is really a bad person.

I dance: at home. On the bed and on the sofa/couch.

I sing: along, whenever I hear A R Rahman music

I cry: when no one's looking.

I don’t always: try hard enough.

I fight: only with people I am close to.

I write: because I can't do without it.

I win: when I really want to.

I lose: my senses at times.

I never: want to lose my loved ones

I always: keep family above everything

I confuse: people by talking too fast.

I listen: to my intuitions, and my mom.

I can usually be found: on my bed, either dreaming or day dreaming.

I am scared: of being lonely.

I need: to know that everyone around me is happy and content.

I am happy about: being the way I am.

I imagine: the worst. Which is why I always worry.

2008-05-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

I had written this post a while ago, in 2002 maybe:

'I was asked by N, "what kinda man would you wanna marry, tell me 10 things you want in him". I've been asked about what I would want in a boyfriend, but marriage? So I really thought about it. What do I *really* want in a man I'll be spending my life with? If I do get married that is. I don't care about huge houses, diamonds, religion, race, cars etc. But, there are a lot of other things I'd really appreciate.

1) The one topping my list is : - HE SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT LOOKS AT ALL. Just like how I don't care. This is the hardest to find. Everybody wants pretty faces, whether they admit it or not. Most people just shroud their wants by saying "she should be presentable if not great looking". C'mon! And what if she isn't? Will that change her as a person? Is there a guy, who simply DOES NOT care about physical features and appearances?
I do care to dress myself up when I am going out. Good clothes, good shoes, glossed lips, kohl rimmed eyes! But that isn't how I really am. Beneath all that, I am a very very ordinary looking girl. The 'real' me is reflected at home, where I wear my old tees and track pants, my messy hair in an elastic, my brows undone. He needs to love that shabby girl. That's what he'll be seeing most of the time, not the one who is dressed up.

2) ABILITY TO LOVE MY FAMILY. This is extremely extremely important! My family means the world to me. He needs to realise what a close knit crazy family of nutters we are! I want someone who cares about them deeply. Not just care, but he should be a part of my family too, in the truest sense. Example, he should be willing to sleep on the couch if a request is made. He should participate in the madness we indulge in. On the other hand, I want to be a part of his family too. I've always wanted to have a great relationship with my in-laws, and am prepared to work for that. I want to love them and treat them just as my parents and not attach the dreaded "in laws" tag. So, if I expect such behaviour from him, he can expect that from me too. Its mutual.

3) WILLINGNESS TO SHARE RESPONSIBILITY. My parents are the perfect example. Mom and dad have always shared all sorts of responsibilities, in every regard. They took turns to wake up in the morning and pack our tiffins for school, instead of the load being only on mom. They both cook, they both clean. There is nothing that is done solely by either of them. That is exactly what I want from him.
I do not know shit about cooking, but I am willing to learn for him. However, I do expect him to cook too! And do everything else that I am expected to do. He can't tell me "I don't like missing Simpsons" and forcing me to work every time. He's allowed to do that sometimes.

4) HAVE NO ISSUES WITH MONEY. What I mean by that is, he should be okay with me giving money to my parents, probably every month, or whenever I want to. My parents have done way too much for me, and I've always wanted a chance to do somethings for them. This is one of them. I would encourage him to do the same! But if he is a guy who objects to stuff like that, then he can take a hike.

5) HAVE A HIGH LEVEL OF TOLERANCE. If he'll be living with me, he needs to tolerate pure crap. The crazier he is, the better.

6) BE EXPRESSIVE. We should be able to talk about anything under the sun, including stuff like fancying other hot men/women. Thats the kind of secure relationship that really works. He should also be able to express his emotions. I've grown up in a family where we keep giving random surprise hugs to each other. That's what I am used to, thats what I like, thats what I want from him too. I love warm hugs. He's allowed to knock the breath outta me with warm tight huggies. I want the passion to stay alive, and for that, expression is very important.

7) BE INTELLIGENT. Intelligence really turns me on. Maybe its because its something I lack completely. If you're well educated, intelligent and witty, I am all yours.

8) BE ABLE TO TAKE REJECTION. To sex! Hey, just once in a while.. :P. He should respect me and my choices and I should respect his. He shouldn't expect a slave in bed.

9) ACCEPT AND LOVE ME FOREVER. I am a shoe crazy person. Passionate about clothes too. Small things make me happy. Like watching the shining moon in a dark, black night. I love babies. I like being held at times. I totally love bubble baths, good shower gels, body splashes and mists and other such things. I love rain. When I am angry, I talk bullshit. Sometimes I sulk. I cool down and apologise in seconds. I jump and prance around when am at home. I can't live without chocolate. I blabber a lot. I worry a lot about people I love and care for. I laugh a lot. I am a lazy bum who is very unorganised too. He should accept me for what I really am, respect me and love me, not just in the initial years, but forever. Loyalty is extraordinarily important, and infidelity spells the end of everything.

10) I'll leave the last one blank for now. Never know what I'll end up wanting later on, so I leave room for that. This will be filled eventually :).

When will he come?